Getting Closer

I am on my last cycle before I start IVF.  I think it would be wonderful if I magically got pregnant this month, but I know this will most likely not be the case.  One more time to ovulate, one more time to "try", one more time to wait, one more time to be disappointed in the end.  At least I hope, this is the last time for disappointment.

I've tried very hard not to put a lot of thought into preparing for this very big step, but tonight I started the research.  Unfortunately, the anxiety started with it.  I am glad that I researched the details of the procedure, but I am extremely nervous now.  It just seems like a lot to go through, to not have it work.  I'm especially worried about the possibility of having the Hypo Ovary Stimulation Syndrome occurring.  I'm not sure if it is from my endometreosis or what, but every time that I have taken fertility medication I have the worst ovarian pain ever!  I suffer for a good week after I start my period.  I'm really worried that it will be even worse once I start the heavy duty meds for IVF.  I hope that I don't have any problems with the meds and that everything goes smoothly.  Oh I hope.

I am extremely nervous, but I am extremely hopeful.  This is it.  This is our last chance.  I must keep myself focused and not let the emotion of it take over.  After all, if it doesn't work, at least I will have my closure.  There is nothing that I can do to change the outcome.  All I can do is follow the physician's instruction and hope for the best.

Big Step

Well months have passed since I started the alternative medicine.  Unfortunately for me, I have not responded to that treatment either.  I'm starting to wonder if my uterus really is broken!  We finally made the decision that we are going to proceed with In Vitro.  This is such a HUGE step.  To be honest, I don't know if I am ready for it or if it is really the right thing to do.  I just feel like we have tried everything out there.  To me, this is our last hope.

We had our initial consultation last week and we talked a lot about all of the testing that is required prior to starting the process.  We discussed a lot of the billing and insurance issues and let me tell you, I don't ever want to have to go through something like this again.  I feel so blessed that we will actually have some coverage with insurance, but trying to figure out what plan to select and what provider has been a real nightmare.  I have talked with so many people about deductibles, coverage etc. I just want to puke!  If I don't get pregnant out of this, I am sure it will be due to the stress of trying to get everything paid for.  The positive thing that I need to keep in mind is that even without insurance, we have the money.  We have been saving for months so I just need to realize that everything will be taken care of one way or another.  I need to de-stress.

I have decided that I am not going to publicly tell people that we are going through this process.  I really just don't want people to be asking me questions throughout the entire process.  I just want to get through it, get pregnant, and then I will gladly tell everyone what they need to know.  I just hope that I can keep my sanity through this all!

Here's to lots of needles in the future and hopefully, lots of babies!

Alternative Medicine-July 19th, 2013

I forgot to post this from July.  So I'm sorry it is out of order.

After this month's disappointment, my husband and I started talking more about IVF and how we were going to pay for it.  I just can't believe how outrageously expensive it is!  There are several different options, but if you want to have a "money back guarantee", you will pay for it!  It's not that I have a hard time justifying the cost because I know the cause is totally worth it.  I just have a hard time justifying it when I have had 3 doctors really give me no reason that I need IVF.  I have a hard time justifying it when I had my daughter with no trouble whatsoever.  I just play the scenario of what if we do the IVF and it doesn't work?  Then what?  I just don't think I am ready to accept that there are no more children in our future.  I also can't help but think, what if we aren't being patient enough?  What if we would have waited just one more month and we wouldn't have needed to go into unnecessary debt.  All these doubts tell me that I am not ready to go down that road yet.  I am looking into other options and keeping IVF as a last possible solution.

One of my good friends had been going through infertility for the past 2 plus years.  Poor thing has had a couple of miscarriages and has just had a really hard time. Well just a few days ago she randomly messages me.  I haven't heard from her in months so it was really interesting timing as I had just started my period the day before.  I know what you are thinking, but I really was happy for her!  It gave me hope knowing what she had been through and she still managed to get pregnant.  Well she tells me that she went to this new doctor and he gave her some drops to put under her tongue.  She says that after the first month of taking the drops, BAM she's pregnant.  This sounds almost too good to be true.  Turns out she is 12 weeks along and doing great.  What the heck was in those drops?!

I decided to go and see the guy that she was seeing and was set up with the drops as well.  Here's to hoping that they work!

The Results are in

I decided to have a blood test yesterday and sadly, but not surprisingly, it was negative.  Now if I would just start my period so I can get on with my life.

It has been a while

I haven't posted in a while as I have been trying very hard to keep distracted from the baby makin' business.  Nothing new to report, other than I am late.  Really late.  11 days late to be exact.  Not that it means anything though.  I have taken who knows how many pregnancy tests, every single one negative.  I still have just a sliver of hope that maybe, just maybe a little baby is growing inside of me right now.  We'll see, and if not, there's always next month right?

Another thing that is weird this month is that my hair is falling out.  Not just a hair here and there, like REALLY falling out.  It is so bizarre.  It reminds me of after I had my daughter when I had the postpartum hair dump.  I would shower and pull clumps of hair out.  This actually has been a bit worse than that.  I called Mr. Dependable Homeopathic Doctor Guy and of course he has no idea why my hair is falling out.  Thanks buddy for recommending drops to take that apparently make my hair fall out, and you have no idea why it is happening.  Once I start my period, I am going to go to my OB and have him check all my hormones just to make sure that these drops haven't completely screwed me up.  Although, if I am pregnant, I take back everything I just said.  I don't care if all of my hair falls out if it means I am pregnant.  I can rock the bald and the belly :)

I am doing better.  People aren't quite pissing me as much as they used to.  I guess I am just more in the acceptance phase of all of this.  Don't get me wrong, people are still getting pregnant every month and I am not, but I am just so used to it now.  I just figure that at least one person will tell me a month.  Lucky for me, someone already told me this month so hopefully that is out of the way for the remaining 13 days.

Once I start my period I am going to go back to the fertility specialist that I saw originally.  We have decided that we are going to do IVF in January.  My husband's work actually has infertility benefits, but they don't start until January.  I am hoping that I can go to the doctor, explain the situation, and start the process in November so that we will be ready to get pregnant in January.  I know that I need to be on birth control for at least a month so I figure I could start that anytime.  It seems so weird to take birth control now.  It's so comical and ironic that I took so many different types of BC for so long because I was worried that we might have our second baby "too soon".  If I only knew!

Well I will update as soon as I have "news".  I'm not expecting anything, but if anyone is reading this, I would really appreciate the prayers right now.  I would love for this torturous journey to be over.

By the way, I had my stomach scoped and they found out that I have a hernia and some excessive bile production going on due to the fact that I don't have a gallbladder.  I am on medication, and yes, I have to take it for the rest of my life.  Super Duper fun for me.  If I ever do get pregnant, I just wonder how this poor baby is going to turn out with all the meds I am on.

A month has passed

I think it is kind of funny that another month has already passed and it's the same story just a different day.  I have been doing really good staying preoccupied with other things in my life.  I have been working really hard on the working out/living a healthier lifestyle.  It has been great and I am really starting to see some improvement (That is until I send the hubby out on an ice cream run tonight).  I will just keep working at it and hopefully I will get back some of the confidence that I have been lacking.

One thing that is I guess newly developed is a stomach condition that I have been dealing with.  I either randomly developed chronic reflux overnight or I have worried myself into an ulcer.  The doctor is not really sure what is wrong with me (must be my thing or something.  I am a medical mystery in Oh so many ways!), but all I know is having heartburn for 8 straight weeks SUCKS.  Now if the heartburn was brought on by pregnancy, then by all means, burn away.  To go through this with no motive or happy ending makes no sense to me.  So what, I have to take medication for the rest of my life?  Why would I suddenly develop this condition when I've never had issues with it before?  It has to do something with my "not caring" motion right?  I mean I started "not caring" 2 months ago.  Seems like a weird coincidence that is when my symptoms started.  Even though I am telling myself that I just don't care, my mind obviously knows myself better and it is "secretly" worrying and giving me ulcers!  Either way, this has to go away.  I don't think I can deal with this for the rest of my life.  I am supposed to have my stomach scoped next Monday, so hopefully they will have some answers.  Maybe while they are at it they will find out why in the hell I can't get pregnant!  Wishful thinking.

It's all good, until it's not

Well month one of "not caring" seemed to go pretty well, until yesterday that is.  That's right, I received my notification that I am no closer to having another child than I was 15 months ago.  I don't know why but I seem to be bitchier than usual about it too.  I must have thought deep down that since I didn't "care" anymore, BAM I would be pregnant.  Apparently life doesn't work that way.

I just feel like I am stuck at this cross roads.  I feel like I have two choices, I can:
A). Be happy with my single child and let go of this hope of having another.  I love my daughter, she is my world.  Shouldn't that be enough?
or
B). Pursue the not so wonderful world of IVF and take the chance that I may be able to have another child.

I honestly do not know what to do.  If we do pursue IVF, we won't be able to even start the process until November.  November isn't that far considering we have waited this long, but I am dreading the thought of going through 5 more months of disappointment.  I don't know if I can take it anymore and I don't know if my family can take it anymore.  Every month I am so snappy and terrible to them.  It's not their fault, but they are the ones that are punished.

If I decide to follow A's choice, how do I honestly let go of something that I want so terribly?  It doesn't help that I am surrounded by fertile young families and that I am constantly getting mail or email for things for the baby that I do not have.  Every day I see multiple pregnant women, new born babies or families in general.  I will never get away from that so how do I change my perspective?  I'm starting to think that it is time I seek out some professional help.  Even when I feel like I am doing ok I still have horrible resentment to other people that are experiencing the one thing I want most.  That can't be normal.  I can't go on living my life hating every pregnant woman that I see.  My family is all still really young and I am sure there are many more nieces and nephews on the way.  The last thing I want to do is resent one of my family members for getting pregnant.  The doctor that I saw last week mentioned that they have a psychologist in the office for this kind of thing.  It just may be time for that.

Wow this post is a real downer.  Sorry about that.  As I said in the beginning, this is my way to get it all out.  Well it is definitely out there now and hopefully I can find some peace today.  Thanks for listening.

There it is...

So after last month's disappointment, I decided to have a new focus.  I was going to get skinny and fit and forget about all of this infertility crap.  It has been working like a charm.  I have been so much happier and non obsessive about every little thing my body does.  I have felt renewed and excited about my new adventure of getting in shape.

Today I was faced with hanging out with 2 pregnant women in the same room.  I should have known that it was going to be a bad idea but I really thought I had moved on.  A little bit of background, both of these women are pregnant with their 4th child.  One of the women will have 4 children ages 2 and under.  That's right 2 and under.  She even said, "my husband and I can't even wash our underwear together or we get pregnant!"  I wish that it was that easy for me.  I feel bad because even though they have done nothing wrong, I can't help but feel resentful.  It's not fair to feel this way, but the pain and longing for a child takes over all logic.  It just really brought back a lot of heart ache that I have been missing for the past couple of weeks.  I guess I am not completely healed and it will take a long time to start feeling better about my situation.  I haven't given up all hope.  I have another doctor appointment with a Dr that is supposed to be a specialist in endometreosis.  I am hoping that he will have some answers for me, but if not, it's back to the workout/eat healthy focus until I can find something else to keep my mind occupied.

14 Months of Negatives

Today marked my 14th Negative pregnancy test.  I didn't even want to take it this morning because I knew that it was going to be negative.  There are so many thoughts running through my head right now and I just wonder if I will ever go "back to normal".  I miss the old me.  I was ambitious about life, I loved my family and my job.  Now I feel like there is a black hole in our family and it is constantly sucking the life out of me.  I hate my job and I am so disconnected from everyone and everything that I wonder if people still care about me or even want to be around me.  I don't know that I would want to be around someone that was constantly down and depressed.

I did a little bit of research and I am so confused.  I have endometriosis and I have had two surgeries in the past 5 years to treat it.  After reading an article online, I was under the impression that surgery should NOT be performed unless the woman is past having her family.  I am TICKED.  Why in the world would the doctor recommend surgery if it was going to potentially sterilize me?!  I specifically remember asking about this too and he told me that it would only increase my chances of getting pregnant and I shouldn't worry.  Who knows that may not be the reason for my infertility, but it sure helps to blame someone right now.  The second moron doctor that I would like to blame is the one that has been pumping me full of estrogen and doing pointless IUIs on me.  I wish I had done more research on the subject, but I trusted my doctor that he knew my entire history and would do what was best for me.  Estrogen feeds the endometriosis and only makes it worse.  So 5 months of feeding the endo probably has done wonders for my fertility.  Secondly, IUIs have a very low success rate for women with endo.  This would have been nice to know and would have saved me 2000 dollars.  I can't believe how much time and money I have wasted.

It is looking more and more like we will be heading down the In Vitro road.  I would like to do a little bit more research, but we will need to start saving our pennies.  I am thinking about selling my car.  I love my car, but we won't be able to afford it after the 20K+ price tag we will be facing with IVF.  How in the world do people pay for this?  I just wish there were other options.

Mother's Day

I feel so incredibly blessed that I am able to take part in a day to celebrate our Mothers.  With so many afflicted with infertility and are never able to experience motherhood, I am so grateful every day for my little miracle.  She is turning into such a fun charismatic little girl.  I couldn't be prouder to be her mommy.  Today just reminded me that even though I am going through infertility, I am a mother.  This is not something that should be forgotten or taken advantage of as I obsess with this tremendous trial in my life.  I AM a mother, and even though things aren't going my way for number two, I will always be a mother to the sweetest little girl.  If it turns out that she is my only child in this life, I will be satisfied in knowing that she is mine and I am hers.

Crying is normal right?

I am really starting to think that something is wrong with me.  Well I know something is wrong with me, but I am starting to think something else is REALLY wrong.  I cannot control my eyes right now!  I am a blubbering mess all the time.  The things that I cry about are really the most insignificant things.  Like if I hear a touching news story or a cute song on the radio, the waterworks just start flowing.  Luckily, I manage to control myself while in the presence of others.  I wouldn't want anyone else to think that there is something wrong with me.  I'm not sure what all the extra emotion is all about but my thoughts are leaning to the latest and greatest drug I am taking now.

About a week ago I had my progesterone tested and it was 11.8.  Now I have had this tested before and it was only 6. something.  I'm pretty sure that anything over 6 means you ovulated.  I'm not an expert by any means, but I think the progesterone also needs to be higher to sustain a pregnancy???  I'm not really sure, but I think it has something to do with it.  The doctor was less than thrilled with my levels, I guess they like to see them closer to 15-20 on a medicated cycle.  They decided to put me on a Progesterone Supplement, just in case.  The progesterone hasn't been awful, but I have broken out terribly and I am Uper Duper emotional and cranky.  I could just be PMSing too so you never know!  I love how every symptom you have could be caused by almost anything.  One bad thing about the progesterone, besides the craters on my face and tearing eyes, it makes you so you don't start your period.  This would be great, if I was pregnant.  Not so much if I'm not.  The doctor basically told me to take a pregnancy test 2 weeks after the IUI (which is Mother's Day by the way), if it's negative-test again in 3 days.  If it's still negative, stop taking the progesterone and I will start my cycle.  Sounds like next week is going to be a roller coaster.  Just in case you were wondering, I will NOT be taking a pregnancy test on Mother's Day.  I'm not going to ruin my day by getting a negative test.  If I magically start my period on Sunday, I am going to come to the conclusion that God has a cruel sense of humor.  Fingers crossed that I don't!

Shoosh, it's a secret!

So I was talking with the hubby today about how inconsiderate I think everyone is in regards to baby talk and pregnancy. I realize that the thoughts and feelings that I have are wrong, but this experience has left me so sour and bitter in many ways that I can't help the way I feel. His response to my ranting, "Well maybe you should stop talking about it and then people won't offend you".  While there is obvious truth to what he is saying, I have to fire back with "Well maybe if people stopped asking I would stop talking about it ".  I mean it's not like I bring up my infertility in every discussion I have with another human being. However, I am pretty open about it if people ask. It is therapeutic to talk about it, but sometimes I just don't like what others say to me. I can't say that I blame then. When dealing with a hormonal woman about 90% of what you say is wrong anyway.

Today was our second IUI.  I am not feeling super hopeful because after all the drugs I only had one mature follicle during the ultrasound check on Friday.  I don't understand how I could only have ONE when I am on so much medication to make be produce more.  Not to mention how terrible I have felt for the past 3 days.  I started to feel like my ovaries were going to explode on Thursday.  I thought for sure that I was going to have a half dozen mature follicles and they were going to tell me that they wouldn't do the IUI because they wouldn't want me to have a batch of babies:)  I guess the good news is that at least we were able to do the IUI.  This is probably going to be our last one because I don't think I can keep going on like this taking all the medication that I am on.  It can't be good for my innards to be stimulated so much for so long.  If we are heading toward IVF I'd rather start saving than blowing all this money on treatments that don't work for us.  I say this all now, but I guess in two weeks we will know whether I mean it or not.  That negative pregnancy test always seems to change my mind.

Drugs, Drugs and more DRUGS!!

Well it is final.  I am a total Druggie right now.  Taking 3 different medications for some people is not really that uncommon, but I am struggling with it.  Not to mention that all 3 significantly mess with my hormones.  I am a raging mad woman one second and a blubbering mess the next.  Gotta love the variety!  Last night I had my first shot of the Bravelle.  It was worse than I expected.  I hate shots just like anyone hates shots, but getting them in your stomach is a new kind of hatred.  I am lucky that my neighbor two doors down is a nurse.  She was such a sweetie and came over last night to do the injection.  It really wasn't that bad, it just burned terribly.  Only 3 more shots this month and I am hoping I don't have to do this again!

I am excited to be pregnant and be nauseous and miserable for a good cause.  The drugs make me feel like I'm pregnant so I feel the nausea, the headaches, the fatigue, but to no avail.  If it works it will all be worth it, but every month that goes by I keep thinking, "what a waste".  This month alone is going to run us up about a thousand dollars!  What if we go through all of that and still don't get pregnant?!  I just think it would be better to start saving for IVF rather than keep throwing money away for nothing. Hopefully this is the month!

Well that explains it

Last month I decided that if I didn't get pregnant that we were going to take a break from all of this.  Well that thought didn't last long once I found out things didn't go the way I planned.  I immediately headed over to the lab to have them test my Prolactin again.  I noticed that I started producing breast milk again about a week ago.  I thought it was odd, but my hopeful self thought that maybe it was a sign of pregnancy.

41.  That was my unlucky number.  Dammit, not this again!  I was high, AGAIN.  At least it partly explains why I didn't get pregnant this month.  What keeps making this hormone increase in my system?!  I just don't get it!  I don't have a pituitary tumor, I haven't breast fed for 2 and a half years, why does my body think I need to feed a baby when it is obviously impossible for me to get pregnant?  Stupid, stupid body....  So I guess it's back on Cabergoline for me.  I was really hoping that I wouldn't have to add, yet again, another drug to the regime.

I called my doctor and he must have decided that now is a great time to go on vacation and he doesn't get back until the 29th of April.  Doesn't he know I am in CRISIS here?!  As long as I'm not pregnant, he shouldn't get to go on vacation!  Just kidding, but I was a little ticked when I found out.  I ended up talking with the Nurse Practioner and she agreed that I should restart the Cabergoline.  She also wanted me to try the Clomid again and add injectables for days 7, 9 and 11.  The problem with doing this is that it greatly increases the amount of mature follicles I will produce.  She said that if I produce more than 4 they won't do the IUI because of the multiples risk.  Well seeming as how ovulating doesn't seem to be my issue, why would we triple the amount of eggs I'm producing and risk the possibility of not being able to do the IUI?  Sigh....  I am so frustrated.  I just feel like they keep throwing drugs at me without really offering me an explanation.  I guess it could be the prolactin, but what if it is something else entirely that they haven't figured out?  I just want to know what the hell is wrong with me!

It hasn't helped that everyone on facebook keeps reminding me how ridiculously fertile they all are.  Three of my friends just informed me that they are having their 4th child!  That is 12 children to my one beautiful daughter and my one empty broken uterus.  BIG SIGH.  I truly feel blessed to have my daughter.  She is a true miracle and I am grateful every day that I have her in my life.  If this plan to give her a sibling never pans out, at least I have her and for that I am incredibly lucky.

Crushed

The line I saw was an Evaporation Line.  I started spotting late last night and I knew that meant that this month was a bust.   I can't even describe the heart ache I am feeling right now.  I just keep hoping that maybe it's just implantation bleeding, but deep down I know that is not the case.  I don't know how to keep doing this month after month.  I don't understand why it didn't happen this month.  Everything should have been timed and it should have worked.  I just don't get it.  If I can't get pregnant going through all everything we did this month, I don't think it will ever happen.  I am just wanting to give up.

In my devastated state last night, my hubby did his best to comfort me.  He tries, but he really doesn't know what to do or say to make me feel better.  I guess there really is nothing that he could do or say.  I just wish he knew what hell this puts me through every month.  It's like he doesn't experience any of the anguish and I just wish that he could go through it one month to understand how I feel.

 

Feeling Weary

I haven't posted in a few days because I have been trying very hard not to over think the past couple of weeks.  I am currently 11 days past the IUI and I am getting sooo anxious!  We ended up taking a little vaca to Las Vegas this week and that really helped keep my mind off things.  This month has been so weird!  Every month I have every single pregnancy symptom in the book.  Sore boobs, bloating, nausea, you name it, I've had it.  Every month I am shocked that I am not pregnant.  The mind is a powerful thing and I guess if you want and expect something bad enough, it will make your body act like it's pregnant.  Well this month I have felt NOTHING.  It has been the most bizarre month.  I haven't had any of my usual symptoms and really not even any PMS symptoms.  The only thing that I have experienced this month is my usual breaking out and cramping.  The cramping is what is really freaking me out right now.  It just makes me think that I am going to start at any second.

After the IUI, they told me not to take a pregnancy test for 2 weeks.  Well me being as impatient as I am, I took one today.  At first glance it looked negative and I was immediately crushed, but as I looked at it later, I could see a very faint line.  My hubby thinks I am delusional and it was probably an Evaporation Line.  Still, I am hopeful!  I hope that this long journey is finally coming to an end, or just beginning depending on how you want to look at it.  I have another digital pregnancy test that I will wait to take on Tuesday.  I am hoping that what I thought was a faint line was really a faint line!

Mooo

Yesterday I got to feel like a cow for about an hour.  We were able to do our IUI (Intrauterine Insemination) and it was one of the weirdest experiences I've been through in this entire process.  It just seemed so bizarre, but if it works I can't complain.  I didn't really know what to expect throughout the process but it was actually pretty painless and easy.  It is no worse than having a hystersalpinogram.  Just a little bit of cramping and I was all finished.  The worst part of the experience is when I was laying on the exam table for 30 minutes.  I'm sitting there with no one to talk to but myself.  I'm trying to tell myself, "Now don't get your hopes up, this doesn't mean you are pregnant.  Try not to get disappointed if this doesn't work."  Then I find myself talking to my little eggs (apparently there were 2 instead of 1 that I originally thought), "Ok guys, you are going to meet up with some tadpole looking things.  Please let them in!  I promise you that you will be happy you did because then you will grow into a baby and join our family.  We are a pretty cool family if you ask me.  You will be soo loved!  And hey if you both want to become babies, that is fine with me!"  Yup, I am borderline delusional.  But seriously, the thoughts that have been going on have been endless.  I just hope we get lucky so I can lock some of the crazy out.  I won't find out for 2 weeks so we are now entering the dreaded two week wait.  Lucky for me we are going to Las Vegas on Saturday.  It will be so nice to be distracted from all of this.  I am just going to relax at the pool and enjoy some time with my family.  Wish me luck!

I'm Pregnant!!

What is it with people deciding that being pregnant is so funny and such a great April Fools joke to play on people?  I have to avoid Facebook at all costs today because I am so SICK of everyone saying, "Surprise, #3 is coming our way" or "Man, we really threw the baby clothes out too soon!".  Oh HAHA, you are SOOO  funny....

Here's my rant:
Do you not realize that there are people out there that would love nothing more than to announce a pregnancy?  Do you realize that every announcement they hear is like daggers?  Every friend, family member, co worker, STRANGER is like a secret enemy that announces their pregnancy.  Don't get me wrong, I am thrilled for everyone that can conceive a child, but I am saddened every time I hear the news and there is a tiny bit of resentment.  Announcing that you are pregnant as an April Fool's Joke is not funny or clever.  It is an overdone cliche and it pisses me off.  So stop doing it!

Ultrasounds and Shots

This weekend was a little rough.  I went in on Friday to my Ultrasound optimistic and ready for some great news for our weekend plans of IUI.  Unfortunately, I learned, yet again, that my body NEVER does what I want it to do.  My follicles were not quite as far along as they needed to be to induce ovulation.  I had several small 10 mm follicles and one larger 15 mm.  The follicles must be 18-20 mm in size in order to release during ovulation.  I was SUPER bummed to hear this.  I was also surprised that I only had one follicle that looked like it was maturing.  Last month I had three!  (Not that it made much of a difference!)  After I had the Ultrasound the doctor explained that it would most likely be Tuesday for Insemination.  Of course it would be Tuesday!  The one day I am scheduled to go out of town for work!  Seriously ovaries?!?  Could you not cooperate one month?!  He told me that I would need to keep performing the ovulation tests and that I would need to come back on Sunday for another ultrasound.

Sunday morning I pulled myself out of bed and reluctantly went in to have my ultrasound.  The Easter Bunny was nice to me because this time the large follicle was 20 mm!!  I was really excited to see that there was progress.  The other follicles were still smaller so it looks like we only have one chance this month.  I am hoping it is a tough little guy and does exactly what it is supposed to!  After the ultrasound we talked about doing a Trigger Shot.  The trigger shot is a compound of HCG that forces your body to ovulate within 48 hours.  This would put us at Tuesday for doing the IUI.  I was really hoping that we could do the IUI on Monday, but the doctor thought it would be unlikely.  They told me to take another Ovulation test Sunday night and if it was negative, I would do the trigger shot at 10 pm.  If it was positive, then I would come in the next day and not do the shot.

For those of you that have ever peed on a stick, you know how challenging it can be at times.  Sometimes that stream just does whatever it wants and it is like you are trying to lasso a moving target. This was my experience Sunday night.  I went to do my business and when I started to pee hardly anything would come out.  So then I am freaking out that I am not going to get any urine on the stupid thing.  Finally the flood gates opened and I severely drowned the stick.  The test came back negative but I was paranoid that it was inaccurate  because of the drowning situation.  I started chugging water to retest.  The second time around I decided to take the skill out of it and peed in a cup.  Why hadn't I thought of this before?!?  So much easier!  Well even though it was easier, the test was inconclusive.  I couldn't tell if it was negative or positive.  Here it was 9:00 pm and I didn't know if I should do the HCG shot or not.  I even asked my husband what he thought.  Haha.  He didn't even know what an Ovulation test was.  I finally decided to go to the store and buy a digital test so that there would be no question.  45 dollars later and I had an official "negative" result.

Since the test was negative, I told my hubby that he needed to give me a shot.  He was a little more nervous than I was!  I got out the supplies and realized that they gave me a 19.5 gauge needle.  For those of you that are familiar with needles, you will know that this is a HUGE needle.  I was totally expecting a 30 gauge or something close to that.  Plus the needle was about 2.5 inches long.  I started to panic and realized that this was going to hurt.  I sucked it up and closed my eyes and told my husband to get it over with.  He started to push and didn't puncture the skin.  Inside  I was yelling, "just push it in already!", but somehow I managed to bear the odd sensation of a needle pushing on my skin but not puncturing through.  Finally he poked through and it was over, just like that.  It really wasn't that bad and I had it built up way too much in my head.  So now we wait until Tuesday.  I can't wait!

Day 11=Calm

Day 11 has to be the best time of the month.  There is no anxiety over overanalysis of every single feeling your body has.  You are finally over the "not being pregnant" blues of Day 1-5.  You are starting to feel hopeful that "this might be the month" again.  I don't know, I am feeling pretty good today!  As every day is usually a struggle, I can't complain.

I am pretty excited for tomorrow.  We have our Day 12 Ultrasound to see if there are any happy eggs.  Just in time for Easter!  If all goes well, we will be doing an IUI this weekend.  I am so hopeful that everything will go as planned, but I am still a little nervous about the whole thing.  Afterall, if it doesn't work, we are out quite a bit of money.  Not nearly as much as if we did InVitro, but it's a lot of money to spend without results! 

Wish us luck, I am hoping for some good news tomorrow!

My Story

It wouldn't be a blog without laying out my life story for you now would it?  I am 28 years old and my husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for over a year now.  I know that is hardly anytime compared to many couples out there, but it feels like an eternity for me.  I simply don't understand why I can't get pregnant.  My husband and I were fortunate enough to get pregnant with our first child in 2009.  She truly is a MIRACLE.  We had no trouble at all getting her here on this earth.  That is why I am so taken back by the fact that we can't get pregnant now.  Nothing is really different this time around.  When we decided to have our first it was like this uncontrollable feeling came over me and I KNEW that it was time to have a baby.  It was like something internal, biological turned on and I was ready to be a mother.  Well after two months of trying, bam, I was pregnant.  Who knew it could be so simple?  I even remember saying, "Man I feel sorry for the women that go through infertility.  That first month of not getting pregnant was pure torture."  Little did I know how familiar I would become with that torture.

In December of 2011 I had that same instinctual feeling come over me.  It was time to have another baby.  My husband wasn't quite on board at this point and he really wanted to wait a few months until our daughter turned two.  After all, what difference does a few months make?  Well after the few months of waiting, he was finally ready to go.  Our first month, nothing...second month...nothing and so on until today. 

After about six months of trying, we finally decided to go in to see a fertility specialist.  I am definitely an A personality and trust me I wanted to be in that office after the second month of negative pregnancy tests.  My husband being a little more passive won the argument of waiting 6 months.  Our initial visit went as anyone expected.  Test after test ordered to see what was wrong.  Since we had only been trying 6 months, we didn't do every test immediately, which I now regret.  We started off by doing lots of ultrasounds, blood work, and a hystersalpinogram.  My husband even gave in to a Semen Analysis.  Everything came back normal with the exception of one blood test, my prolactin levels.

My milk never really dried up after breast feeding my daughter.  I had asked a few people about it and they all told me it was normal.  Well apparently it is not normal. The doctor decided to check my prolactin levels.  Prolactin is the hormone that is released by the pituitary gland in milk production.  When levels are high, it often causes infertility.  My prolactin levels were in the 40s and they should be below 29.  While the numbers weren't significantly high, the doctor was still concerned.  If you happen to google "high prolactin levels" you will see one of the first things that comes up is "Pituitary Tumor".  All I am thinking is, "I have a brain tumor?!?  That is why I can't get pregnant?  What the HELL?!?"  I was an absolute wreck to say the least.  The doctor decided to take the casual approach and put me on a medication called Bromocriptine.  This is the medication that nearly got me fired from my job.  When I was taking this I couldn't think straight, I was dizzy and I felt light headed constantly.  Plus I was obsessed with finding out if I had a pituitary tumor or not.  I finally went back in to the doctor after being on that medication for a week and told him that I couldn't take it anymore.  He finally ordered an MRI of my brain and switched me to Cabergoline instead for the high hormone levels.  I got my MRI results which were negative.  I was over the moon that I didn't have a tumor.  Wahoo!!  The cabergoline was working out great and I was hardly having any side effects.  My whole attitude changed and I was optimistic.  This is going to work, I am going to get pregnant!

Well the very month that I started the cabergoline I had a 50 day cycle.  You have got to be freaking kidding me!!  My cycles are always 28-29 days.  I have been like clock work since I had my daughter.  I was almost on a first name basis with the guy at the pharmacy after buying so many pregnancy tests that month.  Every single one, negative.  I didn't get it!  Finally, I started spotting...and spotting..and bleeding.  I was bleeding for 2 weeks non stop.  I decided to follow up with my OB and he prescribed me Provera.  If you want to take a ride on the crazy train, take Provera.  I was an absolute wreck.  I was moody, emotional, irrational, and I knew it but couldn't do anything about it.  The Provera stopped the bleeding but I didn't have another period for several weeks.  Once I started my cycle again my OB prescribed me Clomid because "it couldn't hurt right?".  He also referred me to a different doctor because I really was not happy with the current fertility specialist I was seeing.

My first visit with Dr. Marrs was great.  I felt really confident in what he was telling me and I felt like he was going to help me.  He layed it out for me.  He told me that even though I may have risk factors (endometreosis and high prolactin levels), there is nothing significant enough that should keep me from getting pregnant.  That was really hard to hear.  Great I am part of the Unexplained Infertility Group.  Trust me this is not a group you want to be a member of.  It's like, "Sorry we have no idea why you can't get pregnant.  You have potential great fertility!"  So not helpful.  Well Dr. Marrs went on to talk about In Vitro Fertilization.  He really thinks that is my only option if I am not able to conceive off of the Clomid.  That's all fine and well, but I do have one child remember?  Why was I able to get pregnant with her, but now I need IVF?  I just hate doctors sometimes.  It's like they only offer ridiculous things to try without finding the cause.  I am not opposed to IVF at all, in fact I am really considering it, but it is SO expensive.  I am having a hard time justifying the expense when we were able to do it naturally before.

So that brings us to today.  I am still taking Clomid and I am still not pregnant.  We are scheduled to do Artificial Insemination this week so I am hopeful that we may have some luck!

My Way to Cope

Hello, you may not know me but you may be going through the same thing as me.  This is my blog to help me cope with the many emotions that come with Infertility.  Ok, mostly just to bitch and gripe about the heart ache, the frustration and hopefully some day I will be rejoicing and I will be able to share that too.  If you read this blog, you musn't judge or be offended.  I am not writing this for you.  I hope that the things I post will be helpful to some and provide some kind of comfort to those that are wondering the same thing as I am, "What the hell did I do to deserve this trial?".