Sunday, February 16, 2014

The Storm has Passed

Whew.  I am finally starting to feel back to normal!  It feels great to be getting back to normal life.  I am trying really hard to be positive and focus on getting myself healthy.  I was pretty devastated after things didn't work out, but I need to focus on the facts.  We still have five wonderful little embryos that survived.  There is still a chance and not all hope is lost.  I know that the timing is not exactly what I planned, but I was so sick after the retrieval and I was in so much pain.  In a way, it is really a good thing that things were delayed.  My body will have a chance to heal and hopefully the transfer will have a higher chance of success.  I am still hurting here and there.  I haven't done anything the past two days because I am still cramping pretty bad.  I feel like I have a bladder infection even though I don't.  Things must still be pretty cramped inside.  The good thing about staying in for two days is that I am almost caught up with the Olympics.  It's a good thing there is a lot going on to keep me occupied.  Distractions are just what I need right now.

Sunday, February 9, 2014

I am done

I went to the doctor today for my final check.  Diagnosed.  Diagnosed with Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome.  They won't be able to do the transfer.  We only have 4 embryos left.  Only one is good.  We will freeze them until we will be able to use them later.  We won't be able to try again for at least 2 months.  I am heartbroken.  Embryos only have a 70 % chance of survival after being frozen.  That means we are running out of chances.  I am devastated.

I'm emotionally ruined, but I am physically weak and suffering.  I am so nauseated and dizzy from the OHS. I have thrown up twice today from the nausea.  My stomach is still very tender, but the swelling is starting to decrease.  I don't know how I am going to move on from this.  I don't know how to live my life after going through this.  I don't know how to pick up the pieces and cling to hope that everything will work out.  I don't know how to be a good mother to my child because all I can think about is what i have been through and what I have lost.  I don't know how to be a good wife and look my husband in the eye and smile again.  I don't know when or if happiness will ever return to my soul.  I just want to run away and be alone.  I don't want to bring others down with me.  I don't want to talk about it.  I don't want to face anyone's questions.  But at the same time, why isn't anyone checking on me to see if I am ok?  I don't want them to come, but I feel even more alone without anyone calling.

I hope this pain is temporary.  This pain surpasses anything I have ever felt.  I knew I would be disappointed, but I never dreamed I could feel this much pain.  All I wanted was to be a mother to another child.  I don't understand why that is being withheld from me.  I know that we still have another chance to finish the IVF process, but I don't know if I want to.  I don't know if I can bear going through this pain again.  I don't know if I even want to try.  I am weak.  I am broken.  I give up.

Thursday, February 6, 2014

Why can't this just be over?

Since the egg retrieval I have been in an incredible amount of pain.  I really started to feel like something was wrong last night.  My stomach was distended and I had a low fever.  I decided that I should go in to see the doctor in the morning.  I went to my doctor's office and told them my concerns.  After consulting with the doctor, they were able to fit me in on the schedule.

It turns out I have Moderate Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome.  I sort of already knew this, but when the doctor did my ultrasound, he found a lot of free fluid in my abdomen.  With the fluid, they will not permit a transfer to happen.  I was doing everything to keep it together in the office.  It's not the end of the world, I will eventually be able to transfer the embryos, it just will be several months before we can try.  I have to go back in on Sunday to see if the fluid has gotten worse.  If it does, they will have to drain the fluid.  I guess it takes 3-4 drains before things can go back to normal.  I am utterly devastated.  I am broken.  I am angry.  I hope that I can get through this, but right now I don't really even want to.  I just want to give up.  What's the point?  All of this to bring another child into this world so that they could potentially go through the same thing that I am going through?  I don't understand the lesson or the purpose in this experience.  I have tried everything reasonably possible, and I still get the same result.  I'm not meant to have any more children, obviously.

Today is a sad day, so please don't judge me for it.

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Retrieval

Yesterday we had our egg retrieval.  I was pretty nervous but everything went great!  The doctor was able to get 25 eggs!!  We were ecstatic.  25 is my lucky number afterall.  I was #25 on all of my sports teams and my daughter was born on the 25th of April.  What a perfect number!  I went home feeling pretty good and slept most of the day.  The times that I was awake were super painful.  Here are the things that no one warned me about:
1.  Getting 25 eggs removed pretty much feels like you were stabbed over and over 25 times.  My insides are so sore and the slightest movement sends stabbing pain throughout.
2.  Going to the bathroom is dreaded.  As I mentioned before, everything hurts and going pee is no exception.  I finally sort of went #2 today and it felt like my insides were ripping.  I think I'd rather stay constipated.
3.  I look pregnant.  My guts are so swollen that it looks like I am already a couple of months along.  If all this works out, I won't care much about this one.
4.  Along with the swelling comes extreme tenderness.  I found the loosest stretchiest clothes that I could today and it still felt like I was being squished.
5.  You can't take anything but Tylenol, which does nothing to dull the pain.

All of this was worth it though.  Out the 25 eggs, we have 13 good embryos!  22 of the eggs were actually mature, 14 fertilized, but 1 was abnormal.  I can't believe we had such a good outcome!  I am so excited to hear how they do the next few days.  We are scheduled to do our transfer on Friday and I get to start the lovely progesterone tomorrow.  Fingers crossed that my uterus behaves and allows us to do the transfer.  The doctor mentioned that I still had fluid in my uterus from the hyperstimulation so let's hope that resolves in the next day or two.  Happy thoughts!!!

Monday, February 3, 2014

Retrieval Tomorrow!

Friday, January 31st
The fluid went away!  It was completely gone!  It looks like we will be able to proceed with the transfer.  I couldn't be more thrilled and I was so grateful  to have a priesthood blessing the night before.  Miracles do happen every day.
4 Needle Pokes
Saturday, February 1st
Everything was looking good, but my estradiol levels were getting way too high.  My doctor changed my medication dose, but I still had 4 needle pokes. This was the first day that I really started to feel "done".  I was getting so frustrated with all the shots and the discomfort.  I was frustrated with the constant change in my medication dose.  I just wish we could have continuous good news rather than this roller coaster ride that we can't seem to get off of.
Sunday, February 2nd
Sunday turned into another frustrating day.  My ultrasound did not go as well as I had hoped.  Since my meds were dramatically reduced, the follicles stopped growing.  I only had 2 follicles that were decent size.  They typically like to see at least 3.  I was super bummed.  The nurse talked to me for a while about my situation.  Apparently the high level of estradiol and the high follicle counts were both signs of ovarian hyperstimulation.  That is why my doctor reduced my stimulant dose so much.  They really wanted to do one more day of stimulation, but because of my risk for overstimulation, they decided that I should trigger at 10:00 Sunday night.  I am just having faith that Heavenly Father and the doctors will take care of me.  I know that I am working with highly skilled individuals.  I know that they will make the right decisions for me.  I just also pray that I am being watched over, that everything will go as well as it possibly can.  I have been through so much and I just pray that the Lord will bless me.  PS only 2 needle sticks today!  Wahoo!
Monday, February 3rd
Well here we are, caught up to today!  I triggered last night so that we would be able to do our retrieval tomorrow.  I am so nervous, but so excited!  I know everything will work out and we are so close to being finished!  I can't wait.  One thing that happened today is that I got my first positive pregnancy test in 2 years!  It is kind of cruel.  The doctor wanted to ensure that the HCG trigger shot was in my bloodstream so they asked me to take a pregnancy test around noon.  It was bittersweet to see that positive result.  It was good to know that the drug was working, but heartbreaking to know that it wasn't really what the test indicates.  Hopefully I will get to see that positive again soon!  I was trying to find a box with only one pregnancy test. Who knew that such a thing didn't exist?!?  I guess they know most of us women are serial testers. Don't get me wrong, I am totally guilty of test, test, test, but  I didn't want to have an extra test laying around tempting me once we go through with the transfer.  They say that you almost never get a positive urine pregnancy test with IVF initially.  I am just hoping I can hold out until the 2 week blood test.  I don't want to disappoint myself before we actually know for sure.

Well I don't know if anyone even reads this, but if anyone out there is, please pray for us.  Please pray for us that everything will go well, and if it doesn't, please pray that I will get through it.  I need all the extra prayers I can get.