14 Months of Negatives

Today marked my 14th Negative pregnancy test.  I didn't even want to take it this morning because I knew that it was going to be negative.  There are so many thoughts running through my head right now and I just wonder if I will ever go "back to normal".  I miss the old me.  I was ambitious about life, I loved my family and my job.  Now I feel like there is a black hole in our family and it is constantly sucking the life out of me.  I hate my job and I am so disconnected from everyone and everything that I wonder if people still care about me or even want to be around me.  I don't know that I would want to be around someone that was constantly down and depressed.

I did a little bit of research and I am so confused.  I have endometriosis and I have had two surgeries in the past 5 years to treat it.  After reading an article online, I was under the impression that surgery should NOT be performed unless the woman is past having her family.  I am TICKED.  Why in the world would the doctor recommend surgery if it was going to potentially sterilize me?!  I specifically remember asking about this too and he told me that it would only increase my chances of getting pregnant and I shouldn't worry.  Who knows that may not be the reason for my infertility, but it sure helps to blame someone right now.  The second moron doctor that I would like to blame is the one that has been pumping me full of estrogen and doing pointless IUIs on me.  I wish I had done more research on the subject, but I trusted my doctor that he knew my entire history and would do what was best for me.  Estrogen feeds the endometriosis and only makes it worse.  So 5 months of feeding the endo probably has done wonders for my fertility.  Secondly, IUIs have a very low success rate for women with endo.  This would have been nice to know and would have saved me 2000 dollars.  I can't believe how much time and money I have wasted.

It is looking more and more like we will be heading down the In Vitro road.  I would like to do a little bit more research, but we will need to start saving our pennies.  I am thinking about selling my car.  I love my car, but we won't be able to afford it after the 20K+ price tag we will be facing with IVF.  How in the world do people pay for this?  I just wish there were other options.