I haven't posted in a while as I have been trying very hard to keep distracted from the baby makin' business. Nothing new to report, other than I am late. Really late. 11 days late to be exact. Not that it means anything though. I have taken who knows how many pregnancy tests, every single one negative. I still have just a sliver of hope that maybe, just maybe a little baby is growing inside of me right now. We'll see, and if not, there's always next month right?
Another thing that is weird this month is that my hair is falling out. Not just a hair here and there, like REALLY falling out. It is so bizarre. It reminds me of after I had my daughter when I had the postpartum hair dump. I would shower and pull clumps of hair out. This actually has been a bit worse than that. I called Mr. Dependable Homeopathic Doctor Guy and of course he has no idea why my hair is falling out. Thanks buddy for recommending drops to take that apparently make my hair fall out, and you have no idea why it is happening. Once I start my period, I am going to go to my OB and have him check all my hormones just to make sure that these drops haven't completely screwed me up. Although, if I am pregnant, I take back everything I just said. I don't care if all of my hair falls out if it means I am pregnant. I can rock the bald and the belly :)
I am doing better. People aren't quite pissing me as much as they used to. I guess I am just more in the acceptance phase of all of this. Don't get me wrong, people are still getting pregnant every month and I am not, but I am just so used to it now. I just figure that at least one person will tell me a month. Lucky for me, someone already told me this month so hopefully that is out of the way for the remaining 13 days.
Once I start my period I am going to go back to the fertility specialist that I saw originally. We have decided that we are going to do IVF in January. My husband's work actually has infertility benefits, but they don't start until January. I am hoping that I can go to the doctor, explain the situation, and start the process in November so that we will be ready to get pregnant in January. I know that I need to be on birth control for at least a month so I figure I could start that anytime. It seems so weird to take birth control now. It's so comical and ironic that I took so many different types of BC for so long because I was worried that we might have our second baby "too soon". If I only knew!
Well I will update as soon as I have "news". I'm not expecting anything, but if anyone is reading this, I would really appreciate the prayers right now. I would love for this torturous journey to be over.
By the way, I had my stomach scoped and they found out that I have a hernia and some excessive bile production going on due to the fact that I don't have a gallbladder. I am on medication, and yes, I have to take it for the rest of my life. Super Duper fun for me. If I ever do get pregnant, I just wonder how this poor baby is going to turn out with all the meds I am on.
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
Sunday, July 14, 2013
A month has passed
I think it is kind of funny that another month has already passed and it's the same story just a different day. I have been doing really good staying preoccupied with other things in my life. I have been working really hard on the working out/living a healthier lifestyle. It has been great and I am really starting to see some improvement (That is until I send the hubby out on an ice cream run tonight). I will just keep working at it and hopefully I will get back some of the confidence that I have been lacking.
One thing that is I guess newly developed is a stomach condition that I have been dealing with. I either randomly developed chronic reflux overnight or I have worried myself into an ulcer. The doctor is not really sure what is wrong with me (must be my thing or something. I am a medical mystery in Oh so many ways!), but all I know is having heartburn for 8 straight weeks SUCKS. Now if the heartburn was brought on by pregnancy, then by all means, burn away. To go through this with no motive or happy ending makes no sense to me. So what, I have to take medication for the rest of my life? Why would I suddenly develop this condition when I've never had issues with it before? It has to do something with my "not caring" motion right? I mean I started "not caring" 2 months ago. Seems like a weird coincidence that is when my symptoms started. Even though I am telling myself that I just don't care, my mind obviously knows myself better and it is "secretly" worrying and giving me ulcers! Either way, this has to go away. I don't think I can deal with this for the rest of my life. I am supposed to have my stomach scoped next Monday, so hopefully they will have some answers. Maybe while they are at it they will find out why in the hell I can't get pregnant! Wishful thinking.
One thing that is I guess newly developed is a stomach condition that I have been dealing with. I either randomly developed chronic reflux overnight or I have worried myself into an ulcer. The doctor is not really sure what is wrong with me (must be my thing or something. I am a medical mystery in Oh so many ways!), but all I know is having heartburn for 8 straight weeks SUCKS. Now if the heartburn was brought on by pregnancy, then by all means, burn away. To go through this with no motive or happy ending makes no sense to me. So what, I have to take medication for the rest of my life? Why would I suddenly develop this condition when I've never had issues with it before? It has to do something with my "not caring" motion right? I mean I started "not caring" 2 months ago. Seems like a weird coincidence that is when my symptoms started. Even though I am telling myself that I just don't care, my mind obviously knows myself better and it is "secretly" worrying and giving me ulcers! Either way, this has to go away. I don't think I can deal with this for the rest of my life. I am supposed to have my stomach scoped next Monday, so hopefully they will have some answers. Maybe while they are at it they will find out why in the hell I can't get pregnant! Wishful thinking.
Saturday, June 15, 2013
It's all good, until it's not
Well month one of "not caring" seemed to go pretty well, until yesterday that is. That's right, I received my notification that I am no closer to having another child than I was 15 months ago. I don't know why but I seem to be bitchier than usual about it too. I must have thought deep down that since I didn't "care" anymore, BAM I would be pregnant. Apparently life doesn't work that way.
I just feel like I am stuck at this cross roads. I feel like I have two choices, I can:
A). Be happy with my single child and let go of this hope of having another. I love my daughter, she is my world. Shouldn't that be enough?
or
B). Pursue the not so wonderful world of IVF and take the chance that I may be able to have another child.
I honestly do not know what to do. If we do pursue IVF, we won't be able to even start the process until November. November isn't that far considering we have waited this long, but I am dreading the thought of going through 5 more months of disappointment. I don't know if I can take it anymore and I don't know if my family can take it anymore. Every month I am so snappy and terrible to them. It's not their fault, but they are the ones that are punished.
If I decide to follow A's choice, how do I honestly let go of something that I want so terribly? It doesn't help that I am surrounded by fertile young families and that I am constantly getting mail or email for things for the baby that I do not have. Every day I see multiple pregnant women, new born babies or families in general. I will never get away from that so how do I change my perspective? I'm starting to think that it is time I seek out some professional help. Even when I feel like I am doing ok I still have horrible resentment to other people that are experiencing the one thing I want most. That can't be normal. I can't go on living my life hating every pregnant woman that I see. My family is all still really young and I am sure there are many more nieces and nephews on the way. The last thing I want to do is resent one of my family members for getting pregnant. The doctor that I saw last week mentioned that they have a psychologist in the office for this kind of thing. It just may be time for that.
Wow this post is a real downer. Sorry about that. As I said in the beginning, this is my way to get it all out. Well it is definitely out there now and hopefully I can find some peace today. Thanks for listening.
I just feel like I am stuck at this cross roads. I feel like I have two choices, I can:
A). Be happy with my single child and let go of this hope of having another. I love my daughter, she is my world. Shouldn't that be enough?
or
B). Pursue the not so wonderful world of IVF and take the chance that I may be able to have another child.
I honestly do not know what to do. If we do pursue IVF, we won't be able to even start the process until November. November isn't that far considering we have waited this long, but I am dreading the thought of going through 5 more months of disappointment. I don't know if I can take it anymore and I don't know if my family can take it anymore. Every month I am so snappy and terrible to them. It's not their fault, but they are the ones that are punished.
If I decide to follow A's choice, how do I honestly let go of something that I want so terribly? It doesn't help that I am surrounded by fertile young families and that I am constantly getting mail or email for things for the baby that I do not have. Every day I see multiple pregnant women, new born babies or families in general. I will never get away from that so how do I change my perspective? I'm starting to think that it is time I seek out some professional help. Even when I feel like I am doing ok I still have horrible resentment to other people that are experiencing the one thing I want most. That can't be normal. I can't go on living my life hating every pregnant woman that I see. My family is all still really young and I am sure there are many more nieces and nephews on the way. The last thing I want to do is resent one of my family members for getting pregnant. The doctor that I saw last week mentioned that they have a psychologist in the office for this kind of thing. It just may be time for that.
Wow this post is a real downer. Sorry about that. As I said in the beginning, this is my way to get it all out. Well it is definitely out there now and hopefully I can find some peace today. Thanks for listening.
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
There it is...
So after last month's disappointment, I decided to have a new focus. I was going to get skinny and fit and forget about all of this infertility crap. It has been working like a charm. I have been so much happier and non obsessive about every little thing my body does. I have felt renewed and excited about my new adventure of getting in shape.
Today I was faced with hanging out with 2 pregnant women in the same room. I should have known that it was going to be a bad idea but I really thought I had moved on. A little bit of background, both of these women are pregnant with their 4th child. One of the women will have 4 children ages 2 and under. That's right 2 and under. She even said, "my husband and I can't even wash our underwear together or we get pregnant!" I wish that it was that easy for me. I feel bad because even though they have done nothing wrong, I can't help but feel resentful. It's not fair to feel this way, but the pain and longing for a child takes over all logic. It just really brought back a lot of heart ache that I have been missing for the past couple of weeks. I guess I am not completely healed and it will take a long time to start feeling better about my situation. I haven't given up all hope. I have another doctor appointment with a Dr that is supposed to be a specialist in endometreosis. I am hoping that he will have some answers for me, but if not, it's back to the workout/eat healthy focus until I can find something else to keep my mind occupied.
Today I was faced with hanging out with 2 pregnant women in the same room. I should have known that it was going to be a bad idea but I really thought I had moved on. A little bit of background, both of these women are pregnant with their 4th child. One of the women will have 4 children ages 2 and under. That's right 2 and under. She even said, "my husband and I can't even wash our underwear together or we get pregnant!" I wish that it was that easy for me. I feel bad because even though they have done nothing wrong, I can't help but feel resentful. It's not fair to feel this way, but the pain and longing for a child takes over all logic. It just really brought back a lot of heart ache that I have been missing for the past couple of weeks. I guess I am not completely healed and it will take a long time to start feeling better about my situation. I haven't given up all hope. I have another doctor appointment with a Dr that is supposed to be a specialist in endometreosis. I am hoping that he will have some answers for me, but if not, it's back to the workout/eat healthy focus until I can find something else to keep my mind occupied.
Monday, May 13, 2013
14 Months of Negatives
Today marked my 14th Negative pregnancy test. I didn't even want to take it this morning because I knew that it was going to be negative. There are so many thoughts running through my head right now and I just wonder if I will ever go "back to normal". I miss the old me. I was ambitious about life, I loved my family and my job. Now I feel like there is a black hole in our family and it is constantly sucking the life out of me. I hate my job and I am so disconnected from everyone and everything that I wonder if people still care about me or even want to be around me. I don't know that I would want to be around someone that was constantly down and depressed.
I did a little bit of research and I am so confused. I have endometriosis and I have had two surgeries in the past 5 years to treat it. After reading an article online, I was under the impression that surgery should NOT be performed unless the woman is past having her family. I am TICKED. Why in the world would the doctor recommend surgery if it was going to potentially sterilize me?! I specifically remember asking about this too and he told me that it would only increase my chances of getting pregnant and I shouldn't worry. Who knows that may not be the reason for my infertility, but it sure helps to blame someone right now. The second moron doctor that I would like to blame is the one that has been pumping me full of estrogen and doing pointless IUIs on me. I wish I had done more research on the subject, but I trusted my doctor that he knew my entire history and would do what was best for me. Estrogen feeds the endometriosis and only makes it worse. So 5 months of feeding the endo probably has done wonders for my fertility. Secondly, IUIs have a very low success rate for women with endo. This would have been nice to know and would have saved me 2000 dollars. I can't believe how much time and money I have wasted.
It is looking more and more like we will be heading down the In Vitro road. I would like to do a little bit more research, but we will need to start saving our pennies. I am thinking about selling my car. I love my car, but we won't be able to afford it after the 20K+ price tag we will be facing with IVF. How in the world do people pay for this? I just wish there were other options.
I did a little bit of research and I am so confused. I have endometriosis and I have had two surgeries in the past 5 years to treat it. After reading an article online, I was under the impression that surgery should NOT be performed unless the woman is past having her family. I am TICKED. Why in the world would the doctor recommend surgery if it was going to potentially sterilize me?! I specifically remember asking about this too and he told me that it would only increase my chances of getting pregnant and I shouldn't worry. Who knows that may not be the reason for my infertility, but it sure helps to blame someone right now. The second moron doctor that I would like to blame is the one that has been pumping me full of estrogen and doing pointless IUIs on me. I wish I had done more research on the subject, but I trusted my doctor that he knew my entire history and would do what was best for me. Estrogen feeds the endometriosis and only makes it worse. So 5 months of feeding the endo probably has done wonders for my fertility. Secondly, IUIs have a very low success rate for women with endo. This would have been nice to know and would have saved me 2000 dollars. I can't believe how much time and money I have wasted.
It is looking more and more like we will be heading down the In Vitro road. I would like to do a little bit more research, but we will need to start saving our pennies. I am thinking about selling my car. I love my car, but we won't be able to afford it after the 20K+ price tag we will be facing with IVF. How in the world do people pay for this? I just wish there were other options.
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Mother's Day
I feel so incredibly blessed that I am able to take part in a day to celebrate our Mothers. With so many afflicted with infertility and are never able to experience motherhood, I am so grateful every day for my little miracle. She is turning into such a fun charismatic little girl. I couldn't be prouder to be her mommy. Today just reminded me that even though I am going through infertility, I am a mother. This is not something that should be forgotten or taken advantage of as I obsess with this tremendous trial in my life. I AM a mother, and even though things aren't going my way for number two, I will always be a mother to the sweetest little girl. If it turns out that she is my only child in this life, I will be satisfied in knowing that she is mine and I am hers.
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Crying is normal right?
I am really starting to think that something is wrong with me. Well I know something is wrong with me, but I am starting to think something else is REALLY wrong. I cannot control my eyes right now! I am a blubbering mess all the time. The things that I cry about are really the most insignificant things. Like if I hear a touching news story or a cute song on the radio, the waterworks just start flowing. Luckily, I manage to control myself while in the presence of others. I wouldn't want anyone else to think that there is something wrong with me. I'm not sure what all the extra emotion is all about but my thoughts are leaning to the latest and greatest drug I am taking now.
About a week ago I had my progesterone tested and it was 11.8. Now I have had this tested before and it was only 6. something. I'm pretty sure that anything over 6 means you ovulated. I'm not an expert by any means, but I think the progesterone also needs to be higher to sustain a pregnancy??? I'm not really sure, but I think it has something to do with it. The doctor was less than thrilled with my levels, I guess they like to see them closer to 15-20 on a medicated cycle. They decided to put me on a Progesterone Supplement, just in case. The progesterone hasn't been awful, but I have broken out terribly and I am Uper Duper emotional and cranky. I could just be PMSing too so you never know! I love how every symptom you have could be caused by almost anything. One bad thing about the progesterone, besides the craters on my face and tearing eyes, it makes you so you don't start your period. This would be great, if I was pregnant. Not so much if I'm not. The doctor basically told me to take a pregnancy test 2 weeks after the IUI (which is Mother's Day by the way), if it's negative-test again in 3 days. If it's still negative, stop taking the progesterone and I will start my cycle. Sounds like next week is going to be a roller coaster. Just in case you were wondering, I will NOT be taking a pregnancy test on Mother's Day. I'm not going to ruin my day by getting a negative test. If I magically start my period on Sunday, I am going to come to the conclusion that God has a cruel sense of humor. Fingers crossed that I don't!
About a week ago I had my progesterone tested and it was 11.8. Now I have had this tested before and it was only 6. something. I'm pretty sure that anything over 6 means you ovulated. I'm not an expert by any means, but I think the progesterone also needs to be higher to sustain a pregnancy??? I'm not really sure, but I think it has something to do with it. The doctor was less than thrilled with my levels, I guess they like to see them closer to 15-20 on a medicated cycle. They decided to put me on a Progesterone Supplement, just in case. The progesterone hasn't been awful, but I have broken out terribly and I am Uper Duper emotional and cranky. I could just be PMSing too so you never know! I love how every symptom you have could be caused by almost anything. One bad thing about the progesterone, besides the craters on my face and tearing eyes, it makes you so you don't start your period. This would be great, if I was pregnant. Not so much if I'm not. The doctor basically told me to take a pregnancy test 2 weeks after the IUI (which is Mother's Day by the way), if it's negative-test again in 3 days. If it's still negative, stop taking the progesterone and I will start my cycle. Sounds like next week is going to be a roller coaster. Just in case you were wondering, I will NOT be taking a pregnancy test on Mother's Day. I'm not going to ruin my day by getting a negative test. If I magically start my period on Sunday, I am going to come to the conclusion that God has a cruel sense of humor. Fingers crossed that I don't!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)