It's Done

Today marked the day that I knew it was over.  I lost the pregnancy and now I am just trying to heal.  It is hard to think about because I was only five weeks pregnant.  Everyone keeps calling it a "chemical pregnancy".  Like that is supposed to make me feel any better?  So a "chemical pregnancy" isn't a real pregnancy?  I've been pregnant before, so I'm not crazy.  I was pregnant.  I felt it.  There were a couple of quotes that I came across today that seemed to help just a little:

"Just when you've had enough, life gives you more.  And just when you think it's rained enough, it starts to pour"  This was very fitting today as it poured all day long outside.

"For those who understand no explanation is needed.  For those who do not understand, no explanation is even possible."

"If you could read my mind, you'd be in tears."

"I loved you like there was no tomorrow..and then one day, there wasn't"

"I may have only carried you for a short moment, but you will always live in my heart."

I do believe that these angels were real.  I do believe that there was life, even though their hearts never took their first beats or they never took their first breaths, or that I even got to see them on an Ultrasound screen.  I believe that for whatever reason, they were not ready for this life and I hope that someday I will be able to meet them.

I don't know how I am going to get through this.  I hope that some day I will be venturing outside from my drapes drawn room.  I haven't hardly crawled out of bed in the last few days.  I hope that I can be the mother to my daughter that she desperately needs.  I don't want her to feel abandoned.  I hope to be the wife to my husband that he deserves.  Part of me just feels like I need time and I will get through this, but how long can I reasonably feel sorry for myself with those around me just waiting for me to come to life?  It doesn't seem fair to them.  But this whole thing does not feel fair to me!  I guess it is not about what is fair or unfair, it is about me cherishing what I do have in my life.  Yes, I have been through a tremendous loss.  I have been through hell and back over the past two years.  I can either continue down this path of sadness and grief or I can pick myself up and live my life.  I feel like I am missing it because I am so engulfed in this hardship.  I will try to take it one day at a time and see how things go.  Hopefully brighter days are on the horizon.