Coping...maybe not

It seem that my best therapeutic seems to be this blog.   It really is helping me to get the feelings out while I deal with this crap in my life right now. 

Sunday I was faced with a big decision.  I needed to decide if I was going to stay home and mope around or travel down the state for some business meetings that I have had scheduled for several months.  While being alone in the car for several hours didn’t sound like the best idea, I decided it would be better for me to get on with my life.  Either way, whether I am at home or at work, I am going to be sad, I might as well get my job done while I am at it. 

As expected the trip was not exactly the best idea.  I’m sure it is my mind playing tricks on me, but yesterday was cruel.  I mean the constant reminders of my lack of pregnancy would not let up.  I was just trying to enjoy listening to some music on Pandora when every single fucking commercial that came on during the breaks was “We’d like to take a moment to share real pregnancy stories….”  Seriously.  The worst thing about these “commercials” were that they were for the company that I work for!!!  I seriously need to talk to someone in marketing.  I mean have they ever even thought about how these commercials can come across to people that are childless, or going through every fertility problem known to man?  I seriously wanted to go and slam my car into one of their buildings.  I had to mute my volume in my car FIVE times to avoid the same horrible commercial over and over again.  If it wasn’t the overly cheerful pregnant mother on my radio it was the sheep in the fields.

 I spent the majority of my day driving through farmlands and canyons, which should be relaxing, but instead I have to see every earthly creature with their adorable brand new babies.  I had to laugh because I was so ridiculously pissed off at the sheep.  Who gets mad at sheep?  All I could think was, I bet the sheep never deal with infertility!  How would it be?  Their whole purpose in this life is to eat, get knocked up, get shaved or eaten and die.  No infertility problems for them.  Is my life really that sad right now that I am jealous of the sheep?

Let's highlight the other reminders of my trip that made me want to punch something:

• When I finally get to the clinic that I am going to check in on a car pulls into the stall next to mine.  Out walks a woman and goes to the back door to get out her infant carrier carseat.
• When talking to one of the employees that I was meeting with, she mentioned that the other tech was pregnant and needed to order a dosimetery badge for the pregnancy (I work in Radiology).
• When I get to another one of my clinics the manager that I haven't seen in about a year waddles over to me.  She is extremely pregnant and just can "barely go on" any longer.  The poor thing.
• One of the clinic managers that I talked to went on an on that it is a good thing that they "waited" before they got married because they wouldn't be able to hide it because she is so fertile.  Seriously what is wrong with people?

There honestly were too many other things to even mention that set me off, but this gives you an idea of what my life is like every day.  Every day is hell.  There are moments that are not though.  I was able to meet with one of the managers today and she and I are really close.  I don't know what it is about her, but I feel like I can tell her anything and she just has a way of making me feel better.  She reminds me a lot of my mom.  She did make me feel better today.  We talked through things and I was feeling better for the moment.  I felt better and then I was alone again and I cried.  And I was angry again.  I did something I regret now, but I can't change my actions.  Why am I not strong enough to get through this?  Why can't I be one of those people that seem to make the best of a horrible situation?  I just feel so weak.  I feel like I would be better off to stay away from my house and be away from my family.  I am supposed to go home tomorrow.  How am I supposed to do that when I am not ready to go home?  How do I go back to normal life?  I don't feel like I will ever be normal again.  Gees when will this pity party end?!?!