Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Bad News and More Bad News

It just seems to be the story of my life, a constant roller coaster.  Just when I get the news that I have been waiting for 2 years, it is taken away in an instant.  I had my 2nd beta draw yesterday and I was shocked to hear that it was 34.8.  I guess it was originally 34.4.  The numbers suggested that I have an abnormal pregnancy.

There is nothing I can do about it.  Nothing will change it.  Now I just have to wait.

At this point I don't know if I will miscarry or if I have an ectopic pregnancy.  I have to have another blood draw on Friday to see which scenario I am going to fall under.  I had to stop taking my medication last night and that was really hard.  I still seem to think that this may turn around and things will be fine.  I know deep down that is not true, but I can't help but be delusional.  Until I start bleeding and see that the baby is gone, I won't truly believe it.

I am so angry right now.  Angry that I let myself be hopeful, again.  Angry that I told so many people, again.  Angry that I got excited only to be crushed days later.  Why did I even take that pregnancy test?  Why did I even assume that things were going to finally work out for me?  I just wish that I could change so much about this, but one thing I won't change is that feeling I had when I saw that positive for the first time.  I was in disbelief, but I knew I wasn't hallucinating.  I just started sobbing.  I couldn't believe it!  I was FINALLY pregnant.  I was finally blessed.  That is what makes this so hard.  Why even go through that?  Why have that experience to have it ripped right out of my soul a week later.  For a week I was happy, I was sick and my boobs hurt.  I was pregnant.  I felt it.  I knew it to be true.  So WHY?!?!?!  I will never understand and I will never get over this.  The most horrible part is that nothing is happening.  I haven't started bleeding so I don't feel like it is over yet.  I just want it to be over.  I just want to start again, or do I?  I don't know at this point.  I am scared because I know we only have 2 chances left.  What  then if it doesn't work?

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