It just seems to be the story of my life, a constant roller coaster. Just when I get the news that I have been waiting for 2 years, it is taken away in an instant. I had my 2nd beta draw yesterday and I was shocked to hear that it was 34.8. I guess it was originally 34.4. The numbers suggested that I have an abnormal pregnancy.
There is nothing I can do about it. Nothing will change it. Now I just have to wait.
At this point I don't know if I will miscarry or if I have an ectopic pregnancy. I have to have another blood draw on Friday to see which scenario I am going to fall under. I had to stop taking my medication last night and that was really hard. I still seem to think that this may turn around and things will be fine. I know deep down that is not true, but I can't help but be delusional. Until I start bleeding and see that the baby is gone, I won't truly believe it.
I am so angry right now. Angry that I let myself be hopeful, again. Angry that I told so many people, again. Angry that I got excited only to be crushed days later. Why did I even take that pregnancy test? Why did I even assume that things were going to finally work out for me? I just wish that I could change so much about this, but one thing I won't change is that feeling I had when I saw that positive for the first time. I was in disbelief, but I knew I wasn't hallucinating. I just started sobbing. I couldn't believe it! I was FINALLY pregnant. I was finally blessed. That is what makes this so hard. Why even go through that? Why have that experience to have it ripped right out of my soul a week later. For a week I was happy, I was sick and my boobs hurt. I was pregnant. I felt it. I knew it to be true. So WHY?!?!?! I will never understand and I will never get over this. The most horrible part is that nothing is happening. I haven't started bleeding so I don't feel like it is over yet. I just want it to be over. I just want to start again, or do I? I don't know at this point. I am scared because I know we only have 2 chances left. What then if it doesn't work?
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