So much of this blog has been anonymous and private. I think it is time to open up a little about my life, outside the infertility. Of course, my journey will be the focus here, but I just think it might be nice to have other things to talk about. For example, you may not know this but this week, amongst its tragedy, was my 7th wedding anniversary. I can't believe how incredibly luck I am to have the husband that I do. He and I have been through countless struggles and he is still there for me and still loves me. I have an incredible amount of guilt hanging over my head right now. I didn't do a single thing for him for our anniversary. Not a single thing. I am a horrible person. I had so much on my mind with the pregnancy that I just put aside the fact that I have been married to a wonderful man for seven years! Who does that? Who ignores such a tremendous occasion? To make matters worse, I come home to a beautiful arrangement of roses-my favorite, signs hanging all over the walls that say how much he loves me and two tickets to the symphony. How lucky am I? I will make it up to him. I have to.
Along with my anniversary, it just happens to be Mother's Day tomorrow. The best thing about it, the hubby let me pick anything that I wanted. He just wanted to make me happy. You know what makes me happy? Yardwork. Yup, as crazy as it sounds, I am a total addict to working in the yard. I love planting flowers and trees and just pulling everything together. It was absolutely fitting and symbolic of what we were able to do today. You see, I have this tree that died this year. It was a brand new tree that I planted in the fall of last year. It was just a small tree and for some reason it didn't make it. I didn't do anything differently than I did with my other trees, but this tree just didn't survive.
We were able to buy a new tree and some shrubs and transformed part of my garden. It made me feel amazing to see the new life that replaced the dead tree. I know this is incredibly cheesy, but I can't help but compare it to myself right now. A part of me died, my babies died (yes we will get to the babies explanation in a minute), but I will carry on. I need to look at this as not a part of me dying, but a part of me growing and hopefully turning into something better than I once was.
Ok, now let's talk about the miscarriage. I started to lose the pregnancy yesterday morning. I was at a very important meeting at work and I just knew that I was going to start to miscarry. I started getting very crampy and I was very anxious to get out of the meeting for obvious reasons. Everyone tried to keep me after the meeting to have side conversations and I was just screaming in my head and trying to hold back the tears. Finally, I was blunt and told them that I had another meeting to be at and I was very sorry but I had to leave. I drove as quickly as I could to my doctor's office and ran to the rest room as soon as I got there. What I knew to be true was confirmed. It was a very hard day. I will never forget the feelings I had. One thing that I am grateful for is that I was able to confirm in my mind what was bothering me. Were there two babies or just one that didn't survive? This is should a convoluted question anyway. I mean technically there were two embryos that we transferred so there were potentially two that attached. I don't know why it was so important to me, but I just wanted to know if both of them implanted and if I lost both of them. I will try not to get graphic but I feel confident that both embryos attached and that I lost both of them yesterday. The bleeding has lightened up today and I feel like the worst has passed. I just pray that every day will get easier. I think we are off to a good start.
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