I have been contemplating whether or not I write this post or not. I have been trying to keep myself more on the positive side of things and sometimes writing about my struggles brings me down. I really think I need to type out my feelings though, hopefully it will be therapeutic. You all will just have to bear with me through it! Let's start from the beginning!
March 12, 2014
We received the confirmation from my clinic that we could do our Frozen Embryo Transfer in April. We were so ecstatic. We started the birth control and waited out the very long process of preparing for the transfer expected to be performed April 22.
April 4, 2014
I started my period and hopefully it will be the last one for a while!
Weeks up to the transfer
I started taking my estradiol 3 mg twice a day and went in for my Ultrasound checks. Everything looked great! My lining was looking awesome and we had no reason to reschedule the transfer. I started the progesterone (Crinone) and it was go time on the 22nd!
April 22, 2014
We went in at 10:00 for our transfer. I was pretty anxious so the doctor gave me a valium to calm my nerves. I felt amazing after that. I couldn't have cared less what happened that day! Haha. They thawed two of our frozen embryos and both survived! One embryo was collapsed and they performed the assisted hatching. The other embryo looked great and they didn't need to do the assisted hatching on it. We were able to see them suck the embryos up in the catheter and watched the physician put them in me on the Ultrasound. It was a pretty cool experience. I expected it to be painful, but it was perfect. Everything went according to plan. I went home and slept for the rest of the day. The physician didn't say that it was necessary, but I opted to stay on bedrest for the first few days. I just wanted to make sure I did everything that I could to make those babies stick!
The first few days I experienced a lot of cramping but nothing else. The cramping made me nervous, but I was just hoping that it meant everything was working in there. After a few days the cramping was less frequent and I started to relax a little.
April 26, 2014
I started having extreme back pain on the 26th. I didn't think much of it since I have had two back surgeries, but it alarmed me. I was hopeful that it meant something was going on inside me. Either that or it could have been from the constant sitting/laying down for the previous days.
April 28, 2014
I started feeling really nauseated on the 28th. I thought the nausea was from taking my medication without having breakfast and didn't think too much of it. The only problem was that it lasted all day and didn't go away even after I had eaten.
April 29th, 2014
Easily one of the best days of my life. I was still really nauseated on the 29th. My nerves were getting the best of me and I just had to know if the transfer worked. I couldn't wait another second to find out if I was pregnant or not. I did a little bit of internet research and found that many people were able to get a positive test result as soon as 5 days after their transfer. I was on day 7 so I ended up buying a hpt in the middle of the day and going home and testing. To my astonishment it was POSITIVE!!!! I started sobbing and hyperventilating. I can't believe it worked!!! I have been waiting for that stick to turn positive for 2 years! I was so overcome with a peaceful feeling. I just felt the spirit so much at that moment. I can't explain it, but I just felt like I was given a hug and told, "I haven't forgotten you." It was probably one of the most spiritual experiences I have ever had. I have felt abandoned and forgotten for so long. It was such a peaceful feeling to know that was not the case at all. I immediately called my husband and told him the good news. He was thrilled as well and we both felt like it was a dream.
The rest of the week
Of course I was on cloud nine all week. I don't think I could have been any happier. I was still nauseous, which was great. I started hurting more in my joints and my boobs exploded over night. They are HUGE. Probably the best side effect of pregnancy :) I started getting really fatigued but I was finding it really hard to sleep at night. It has been a hard week. I don't know if I have just been too excited to sleep or what, but it has been pretty frustrating not to be able to get any sleep when I am so tired.
May 3, 2014
This brings us to today. It is amazing how so much joy and happiness can be swept away in an instant. I went in for my official pregnancy test this morning. I wasn't worried, but I just wanted to know what my levels were. I felt that they would be pretty high since I found out so early and my symptoms have been so strong. I received the call from the nurse and my heart just dropped. She called me and said that my hcg level was 35. Not "congratulations you are pregnant", just that "your levels are only 35". ONLY 35? What does that mean? "Well we like to see them at least 100 by now". By now? Is something wrong? "Well when the numbers are low, we often see ectopic pregnancies or miscarriages. You should be cautiously optimistic". My heart is sinking. I immediately fall apart. All of my happiness was taken away at that very moment. So now what do I do? Just pray that things progress or prepare myself for the inevitable? I guess I have to do both. At least I had a few days of bliss. I will never forget that feeling. I just hope that things work out. If anyone out there is reading this, please pray for me, hope for me, whatever you can do. I want to think I am strong enough to handle yet another roadblock with this journey, but I honestly don't think I am. I will find out on Tuesday the 6th if things are looking positive or not. They want my levels to double by then. I don't understand why the levels are so low in the first place. Are all of these symptoms in my head? I felt pregnant. I guess technically I still am, but for how long? I just want to have my miracle. I want to get through this. Tuesday can't come soon enough.
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