Big Step

Well months have passed since I started the alternative medicine.  Unfortunately for me, I have not responded to that treatment either.  I'm starting to wonder if my uterus really is broken!  We finally made the decision that we are going to proceed with In Vitro.  This is such a HUGE step.  To be honest, I don't know if I am ready for it or if it is really the right thing to do.  I just feel like we have tried everything out there.  To me, this is our last hope.

We had our initial consultation last week and we talked a lot about all of the testing that is required prior to starting the process.  We discussed a lot of the billing and insurance issues and let me tell you, I don't ever want to have to go through something like this again.  I feel so blessed that we will actually have some coverage with insurance, but trying to figure out what plan to select and what provider has been a real nightmare.  I have talked with so many people about deductibles, coverage etc. I just want to puke!  If I don't get pregnant out of this, I am sure it will be due to the stress of trying to get everything paid for.  The positive thing that I need to keep in mind is that even without insurance, we have the money.  We have been saving for months so I just need to realize that everything will be taken care of one way or another.  I need to de-stress.

I have decided that I am not going to publicly tell people that we are going through this process.  I really just don't want people to be asking me questions throughout the entire process.  I just want to get through it, get pregnant, and then I will gladly tell everyone what they need to know.  I just hope that I can keep my sanity through this all!

Here's to lots of needles in the future and hopefully, lots of babies!

Alternative Medicine-July 19th, 2013

I forgot to post this from July.  So I'm sorry it is out of order.

After this month's disappointment, my husband and I started talking more about IVF and how we were going to pay for it.  I just can't believe how outrageously expensive it is!  There are several different options, but if you want to have a "money back guarantee", you will pay for it!  It's not that I have a hard time justifying the cost because I know the cause is totally worth it.  I just have a hard time justifying it when I have had 3 doctors really give me no reason that I need IVF.  I have a hard time justifying it when I had my daughter with no trouble whatsoever.  I just play the scenario of what if we do the IVF and it doesn't work?  Then what?  I just don't think I am ready to accept that there are no more children in our future.  I also can't help but think, what if we aren't being patient enough?  What if we would have waited just one more month and we wouldn't have needed to go into unnecessary debt.  All these doubts tell me that I am not ready to go down that road yet.  I am looking into other options and keeping IVF as a last possible solution.

One of my good friends had been going through infertility for the past 2 plus years.  Poor thing has had a couple of miscarriages and has just had a really hard time. Well just a few days ago she randomly messages me.  I haven't heard from her in months so it was really interesting timing as I had just started my period the day before.  I know what you are thinking, but I really was happy for her!  It gave me hope knowing what she had been through and she still managed to get pregnant.  Well she tells me that she went to this new doctor and he gave her some drops to put under her tongue.  She says that after the first month of taking the drops, BAM she's pregnant.  This sounds almost too good to be true.  Turns out she is 12 weeks along and doing great.  What the heck was in those drops?!

I decided to go and see the guy that she was seeing and was set up with the drops as well.  Here's to hoping that they work!

The Results are in

I decided to have a blood test yesterday and sadly, but not surprisingly, it was negative.  Now if I would just start my period so I can get on with my life.

It has been a while

I haven't posted in a while as I have been trying very hard to keep distracted from the baby makin' business.  Nothing new to report, other than I am late.  Really late.  11 days late to be exact.  Not that it means anything though.  I have taken who knows how many pregnancy tests, every single one negative.  I still have just a sliver of hope that maybe, just maybe a little baby is growing inside of me right now.  We'll see, and if not, there's always next month right?

Another thing that is weird this month is that my hair is falling out.  Not just a hair here and there, like REALLY falling out.  It is so bizarre.  It reminds me of after I had my daughter when I had the postpartum hair dump.  I would shower and pull clumps of hair out.  This actually has been a bit worse than that.  I called Mr. Dependable Homeopathic Doctor Guy and of course he has no idea why my hair is falling out.  Thanks buddy for recommending drops to take that apparently make my hair fall out, and you have no idea why it is happening.  Once I start my period, I am going to go to my OB and have him check all my hormones just to make sure that these drops haven't completely screwed me up.  Although, if I am pregnant, I take back everything I just said.  I don't care if all of my hair falls out if it means I am pregnant.  I can rock the bald and the belly :)

I am doing better.  People aren't quite pissing me as much as they used to.  I guess I am just more in the acceptance phase of all of this.  Don't get me wrong, people are still getting pregnant every month and I am not, but I am just so used to it now.  I just figure that at least one person will tell me a month.  Lucky for me, someone already told me this month so hopefully that is out of the way for the remaining 13 days.

Once I start my period I am going to go back to the fertility specialist that I saw originally.  We have decided that we are going to do IVF in January.  My husband's work actually has infertility benefits, but they don't start until January.  I am hoping that I can go to the doctor, explain the situation, and start the process in November so that we will be ready to get pregnant in January.  I know that I need to be on birth control for at least a month so I figure I could start that anytime.  It seems so weird to take birth control now.  It's so comical and ironic that I took so many different types of BC for so long because I was worried that we might have our second baby "too soon".  If I only knew!

Well I will update as soon as I have "news".  I'm not expecting anything, but if anyone is reading this, I would really appreciate the prayers right now.  I would love for this torturous journey to be over.

By the way, I had my stomach scoped and they found out that I have a hernia and some excessive bile production going on due to the fact that I don't have a gallbladder.  I am on medication, and yes, I have to take it for the rest of my life.  Super Duper fun for me.  If I ever do get pregnant, I just wonder how this poor baby is going to turn out with all the meds I am on.

A month has passed

I think it is kind of funny that another month has already passed and it's the same story just a different day.  I have been doing really good staying preoccupied with other things in my life.  I have been working really hard on the working out/living a healthier lifestyle.  It has been great and I am really starting to see some improvement (That is until I send the hubby out on an ice cream run tonight).  I will just keep working at it and hopefully I will get back some of the confidence that I have been lacking.

One thing that is I guess newly developed is a stomach condition that I have been dealing with.  I either randomly developed chronic reflux overnight or I have worried myself into an ulcer.  The doctor is not really sure what is wrong with me (must be my thing or something.  I am a medical mystery in Oh so many ways!), but all I know is having heartburn for 8 straight weeks SUCKS.  Now if the heartburn was brought on by pregnancy, then by all means, burn away.  To go through this with no motive or happy ending makes no sense to me.  So what, I have to take medication for the rest of my life?  Why would I suddenly develop this condition when I've never had issues with it before?  It has to do something with my "not caring" motion right?  I mean I started "not caring" 2 months ago.  Seems like a weird coincidence that is when my symptoms started.  Even though I am telling myself that I just don't care, my mind obviously knows myself better and it is "secretly" worrying and giving me ulcers!  Either way, this has to go away.  I don't think I can deal with this for the rest of my life.  I am supposed to have my stomach scoped next Monday, so hopefully they will have some answers.  Maybe while they are at it they will find out why in the hell I can't get pregnant!  Wishful thinking.

It's all good, until it's not

Well month one of "not caring" seemed to go pretty well, until yesterday that is.  That's right, I received my notification that I am no closer to having another child than I was 15 months ago.  I don't know why but I seem to be bitchier than usual about it too.  I must have thought deep down that since I didn't "care" anymore, BAM I would be pregnant.  Apparently life doesn't work that way.

I just feel like I am stuck at this cross roads.  I feel like I have two choices, I can:
A). Be happy with my single child and let go of this hope of having another.  I love my daughter, she is my world.  Shouldn't that be enough?
or
B). Pursue the not so wonderful world of IVF and take the chance that I may be able to have another child.

I honestly do not know what to do.  If we do pursue IVF, we won't be able to even start the process until November.  November isn't that far considering we have waited this long, but I am dreading the thought of going through 5 more months of disappointment.  I don't know if I can take it anymore and I don't know if my family can take it anymore.  Every month I am so snappy and terrible to them.  It's not their fault, but they are the ones that are punished.

If I decide to follow A's choice, how do I honestly let go of something that I want so terribly?  It doesn't help that I am surrounded by fertile young families and that I am constantly getting mail or email for things for the baby that I do not have.  Every day I see multiple pregnant women, new born babies or families in general.  I will never get away from that so how do I change my perspective?  I'm starting to think that it is time I seek out some professional help.  Even when I feel like I am doing ok I still have horrible resentment to other people that are experiencing the one thing I want most.  That can't be normal.  I can't go on living my life hating every pregnant woman that I see.  My family is all still really young and I am sure there are many more nieces and nephews on the way.  The last thing I want to do is resent one of my family members for getting pregnant.  The doctor that I saw last week mentioned that they have a psychologist in the office for this kind of thing.  It just may be time for that.

Wow this post is a real downer.  Sorry about that.  As I said in the beginning, this is my way to get it all out.  Well it is definitely out there now and hopefully I can find some peace today.  Thanks for listening.

There it is...

So after last month's disappointment, I decided to have a new focus.  I was going to get skinny and fit and forget about all of this infertility crap.  It has been working like a charm.  I have been so much happier and non obsessive about every little thing my body does.  I have felt renewed and excited about my new adventure of getting in shape.

Today I was faced with hanging out with 2 pregnant women in the same room.  I should have known that it was going to be a bad idea but I really thought I had moved on.  A little bit of background, both of these women are pregnant with their 4th child.  One of the women will have 4 children ages 2 and under.  That's right 2 and under.  She even said, "my husband and I can't even wash our underwear together or we get pregnant!"  I wish that it was that easy for me.  I feel bad because even though they have done nothing wrong, I can't help but feel resentful.  It's not fair to feel this way, but the pain and longing for a child takes over all logic.  It just really brought back a lot of heart ache that I have been missing for the past couple of weeks.  I guess I am not completely healed and it will take a long time to start feeling better about my situation.  I haven't given up all hope.  I have another doctor appointment with a Dr that is supposed to be a specialist in endometreosis.  I am hoping that he will have some answers for me, but if not, it's back to the workout/eat healthy focus until I can find something else to keep my mind occupied.