Shoosh, it's a secret!

So I was talking with the hubby today about how inconsiderate I think everyone is in regards to baby talk and pregnancy. I realize that the thoughts and feelings that I have are wrong, but this experience has left me so sour and bitter in many ways that I can't help the way I feel. His response to my ranting, "Well maybe you should stop talking about it and then people won't offend you".  While there is obvious truth to what he is saying, I have to fire back with "Well maybe if people stopped asking I would stop talking about it ".  I mean it's not like I bring up my infertility in every discussion I have with another human being. However, I am pretty open about it if people ask. It is therapeutic to talk about it, but sometimes I just don't like what others say to me. I can't say that I blame then. When dealing with a hormonal woman about 90% of what you say is wrong anyway.

Today was our second IUI.  I am not feeling super hopeful because after all the drugs I only had one mature follicle during the ultrasound check on Friday.  I don't understand how I could only have ONE when I am on so much medication to make be produce more.  Not to mention how terrible I have felt for the past 3 days.  I started to feel like my ovaries were going to explode on Thursday.  I thought for sure that I was going to have a half dozen mature follicles and they were going to tell me that they wouldn't do the IUI because they wouldn't want me to have a batch of babies:)  I guess the good news is that at least we were able to do the IUI.  This is probably going to be our last one because I don't think I can keep going on like this taking all the medication that I am on.  It can't be good for my innards to be stimulated so much for so long.  If we are heading toward IVF I'd rather start saving than blowing all this money on treatments that don't work for us.  I say this all now, but I guess in two weeks we will know whether I mean it or not.  That negative pregnancy test always seems to change my mind.

Drugs, Drugs and more DRUGS!!

Well it is final.  I am a total Druggie right now.  Taking 3 different medications for some people is not really that uncommon, but I am struggling with it.  Not to mention that all 3 significantly mess with my hormones.  I am a raging mad woman one second and a blubbering mess the next.  Gotta love the variety!  Last night I had my first shot of the Bravelle.  It was worse than I expected.  I hate shots just like anyone hates shots, but getting them in your stomach is a new kind of hatred.  I am lucky that my neighbor two doors down is a nurse.  She was such a sweetie and came over last night to do the injection.  It really wasn't that bad, it just burned terribly.  Only 3 more shots this month and I am hoping I don't have to do this again!

I am excited to be pregnant and be nauseous and miserable for a good cause.  The drugs make me feel like I'm pregnant so I feel the nausea, the headaches, the fatigue, but to no avail.  If it works it will all be worth it, but every month that goes by I keep thinking, "what a waste".  This month alone is going to run us up about a thousand dollars!  What if we go through all of that and still don't get pregnant?!  I just think it would be better to start saving for IVF rather than keep throwing money away for nothing. Hopefully this is the month!

Well that explains it

Last month I decided that if I didn't get pregnant that we were going to take a break from all of this.  Well that thought didn't last long once I found out things didn't go the way I planned.  I immediately headed over to the lab to have them test my Prolactin again.  I noticed that I started producing breast milk again about a week ago.  I thought it was odd, but my hopeful self thought that maybe it was a sign of pregnancy.

41.  That was my unlucky number.  Dammit, not this again!  I was high, AGAIN.  At least it partly explains why I didn't get pregnant this month.  What keeps making this hormone increase in my system?!  I just don't get it!  I don't have a pituitary tumor, I haven't breast fed for 2 and a half years, why does my body think I need to feed a baby when it is obviously impossible for me to get pregnant?  Stupid, stupid body....  So I guess it's back on Cabergoline for me.  I was really hoping that I wouldn't have to add, yet again, another drug to the regime.

I called my doctor and he must have decided that now is a great time to go on vacation and he doesn't get back until the 29th of April.  Doesn't he know I am in CRISIS here?!  As long as I'm not pregnant, he shouldn't get to go on vacation!  Just kidding, but I was a little ticked when I found out.  I ended up talking with the Nurse Practioner and she agreed that I should restart the Cabergoline.  She also wanted me to try the Clomid again and add injectables for days 7, 9 and 11.  The problem with doing this is that it greatly increases the amount of mature follicles I will produce.  She said that if I produce more than 4 they won't do the IUI because of the multiples risk.  Well seeming as how ovulating doesn't seem to be my issue, why would we triple the amount of eggs I'm producing and risk the possibility of not being able to do the IUI?  Sigh....  I am so frustrated.  I just feel like they keep throwing drugs at me without really offering me an explanation.  I guess it could be the prolactin, but what if it is something else entirely that they haven't figured out?  I just want to know what the hell is wrong with me!

It hasn't helped that everyone on facebook keeps reminding me how ridiculously fertile they all are.  Three of my friends just informed me that they are having their 4th child!  That is 12 children to my one beautiful daughter and my one empty broken uterus.  BIG SIGH.  I truly feel blessed to have my daughter.  She is a true miracle and I am grateful every day that I have her in my life.  If this plan to give her a sibling never pans out, at least I have her and for that I am incredibly lucky.

Crushed

The line I saw was an Evaporation Line.  I started spotting late last night and I knew that meant that this month was a bust.   I can't even describe the heart ache I am feeling right now.  I just keep hoping that maybe it's just implantation bleeding, but deep down I know that is not the case.  I don't know how to keep doing this month after month.  I don't understand why it didn't happen this month.  Everything should have been timed and it should have worked.  I just don't get it.  If I can't get pregnant going through all everything we did this month, I don't think it will ever happen.  I am just wanting to give up.

In my devastated state last night, my hubby did his best to comfort me.  He tries, but he really doesn't know what to do or say to make me feel better.  I guess there really is nothing that he could do or say.  I just wish he knew what hell this puts me through every month.  It's like he doesn't experience any of the anguish and I just wish that he could go through it one month to understand how I feel.

 

Feeling Weary

I haven't posted in a few days because I have been trying very hard not to over think the past couple of weeks.  I am currently 11 days past the IUI and I am getting sooo anxious!  We ended up taking a little vaca to Las Vegas this week and that really helped keep my mind off things.  This month has been so weird!  Every month I have every single pregnancy symptom in the book.  Sore boobs, bloating, nausea, you name it, I've had it.  Every month I am shocked that I am not pregnant.  The mind is a powerful thing and I guess if you want and expect something bad enough, it will make your body act like it's pregnant.  Well this month I have felt NOTHING.  It has been the most bizarre month.  I haven't had any of my usual symptoms and really not even any PMS symptoms.  The only thing that I have experienced this month is my usual breaking out and cramping.  The cramping is what is really freaking me out right now.  It just makes me think that I am going to start at any second.

After the IUI, they told me not to take a pregnancy test for 2 weeks.  Well me being as impatient as I am, I took one today.  At first glance it looked negative and I was immediately crushed, but as I looked at it later, I could see a very faint line.  My hubby thinks I am delusional and it was probably an Evaporation Line.  Still, I am hopeful!  I hope that this long journey is finally coming to an end, or just beginning depending on how you want to look at it.  I have another digital pregnancy test that I will wait to take on Tuesday.  I am hoping that what I thought was a faint line was really a faint line!

Mooo

Yesterday I got to feel like a cow for about an hour.  We were able to do our IUI (Intrauterine Insemination) and it was one of the weirdest experiences I've been through in this entire process.  It just seemed so bizarre, but if it works I can't complain.  I didn't really know what to expect throughout the process but it was actually pretty painless and easy.  It is no worse than having a hystersalpinogram.  Just a little bit of cramping and I was all finished.  The worst part of the experience is when I was laying on the exam table for 30 minutes.  I'm sitting there with no one to talk to but myself.  I'm trying to tell myself, "Now don't get your hopes up, this doesn't mean you are pregnant.  Try not to get disappointed if this doesn't work."  Then I find myself talking to my little eggs (apparently there were 2 instead of 1 that I originally thought), "Ok guys, you are going to meet up with some tadpole looking things.  Please let them in!  I promise you that you will be happy you did because then you will grow into a baby and join our family.  We are a pretty cool family if you ask me.  You will be soo loved!  And hey if you both want to become babies, that is fine with me!"  Yup, I am borderline delusional.  But seriously, the thoughts that have been going on have been endless.  I just hope we get lucky so I can lock some of the crazy out.  I won't find out for 2 weeks so we are now entering the dreaded two week wait.  Lucky for me we are going to Las Vegas on Saturday.  It will be so nice to be distracted from all of this.  I am just going to relax at the pool and enjoy some time with my family.  Wish me luck!

I'm Pregnant!!

What is it with people deciding that being pregnant is so funny and such a great April Fools joke to play on people?  I have to avoid Facebook at all costs today because I am so SICK of everyone saying, "Surprise, #3 is coming our way" or "Man, we really threw the baby clothes out too soon!".  Oh HAHA, you are SOOO  funny....

Here's my rant:
Do you not realize that there are people out there that would love nothing more than to announce a pregnancy?  Do you realize that every announcement they hear is like daggers?  Every friend, family member, co worker, STRANGER is like a secret enemy that announces their pregnancy.  Don't get me wrong, I am thrilled for everyone that can conceive a child, but I am saddened every time I hear the news and there is a tiny bit of resentment.  Announcing that you are pregnant as an April Fool's Joke is not funny or clever.  It is an overdone cliche and it pisses me off.  So stop doing it!

Ultrasounds and Shots

This weekend was a little rough.  I went in on Friday to my Ultrasound optimistic and ready for some great news for our weekend plans of IUI.  Unfortunately, I learned, yet again, that my body NEVER does what I want it to do.  My follicles were not quite as far along as they needed to be to induce ovulation.  I had several small 10 mm follicles and one larger 15 mm.  The follicles must be 18-20 mm in size in order to release during ovulation.  I was SUPER bummed to hear this.  I was also surprised that I only had one follicle that looked like it was maturing.  Last month I had three!  (Not that it made much of a difference!)  After I had the Ultrasound the doctor explained that it would most likely be Tuesday for Insemination.  Of course it would be Tuesday!  The one day I am scheduled to go out of town for work!  Seriously ovaries?!?  Could you not cooperate one month?!  He told me that I would need to keep performing the ovulation tests and that I would need to come back on Sunday for another ultrasound.

Sunday morning I pulled myself out of bed and reluctantly went in to have my ultrasound.  The Easter Bunny was nice to me because this time the large follicle was 20 mm!!  I was really excited to see that there was progress.  The other follicles were still smaller so it looks like we only have one chance this month.  I am hoping it is a tough little guy and does exactly what it is supposed to!  After the ultrasound we talked about doing a Trigger Shot.  The trigger shot is a compound of HCG that forces your body to ovulate within 48 hours.  This would put us at Tuesday for doing the IUI.  I was really hoping that we could do the IUI on Monday, but the doctor thought it would be unlikely.  They told me to take another Ovulation test Sunday night and if it was negative, I would do the trigger shot at 10 pm.  If it was positive, then I would come in the next day and not do the shot.

For those of you that have ever peed on a stick, you know how challenging it can be at times.  Sometimes that stream just does whatever it wants and it is like you are trying to lasso a moving target. This was my experience Sunday night.  I went to do my business and when I started to pee hardly anything would come out.  So then I am freaking out that I am not going to get any urine on the stupid thing.  Finally the flood gates opened and I severely drowned the stick.  The test came back negative but I was paranoid that it was inaccurate  because of the drowning situation.  I started chugging water to retest.  The second time around I decided to take the skill out of it and peed in a cup.  Why hadn't I thought of this before?!?  So much easier!  Well even though it was easier, the test was inconclusive.  I couldn't tell if it was negative or positive.  Here it was 9:00 pm and I didn't know if I should do the HCG shot or not.  I even asked my husband what he thought.  Haha.  He didn't even know what an Ovulation test was.  I finally decided to go to the store and buy a digital test so that there would be no question.  45 dollars later and I had an official "negative" result.

Since the test was negative, I told my hubby that he needed to give me a shot.  He was a little more nervous than I was!  I got out the supplies and realized that they gave me a 19.5 gauge needle.  For those of you that are familiar with needles, you will know that this is a HUGE needle.  I was totally expecting a 30 gauge or something close to that.  Plus the needle was about 2.5 inches long.  I started to panic and realized that this was going to hurt.  I sucked it up and closed my eyes and told my husband to get it over with.  He started to push and didn't puncture the skin.  Inside  I was yelling, "just push it in already!", but somehow I managed to bear the odd sensation of a needle pushing on my skin but not puncturing through.  Finally he poked through and it was over, just like that.  It really wasn't that bad and I had it built up way too much in my head.  So now we wait until Tuesday.  I can't wait!