Thursday, February 6, 2014

Why can't this just be over?

Since the egg retrieval I have been in an incredible amount of pain.  I really started to feel like something was wrong last night.  My stomach was distended and I had a low fever.  I decided that I should go in to see the doctor in the morning.  I went to my doctor's office and told them my concerns.  After consulting with the doctor, they were able to fit me in on the schedule.

It turns out I have Moderate Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome.  I sort of already knew this, but when the doctor did my ultrasound, he found a lot of free fluid in my abdomen.  With the fluid, they will not permit a transfer to happen.  I was doing everything to keep it together in the office.  It's not the end of the world, I will eventually be able to transfer the embryos, it just will be several months before we can try.  I have to go back in on Sunday to see if the fluid has gotten worse.  If it does, they will have to drain the fluid.  I guess it takes 3-4 drains before things can go back to normal.  I am utterly devastated.  I am broken.  I am angry.  I hope that I can get through this, but right now I don't really even want to.  I just want to give up.  What's the point?  All of this to bring another child into this world so that they could potentially go through the same thing that I am going through?  I don't understand the lesson or the purpose in this experience.  I have tried everything reasonably possible, and I still get the same result.  I'm not meant to have any more children, obviously.

Today is a sad day, so please don't judge me for it.

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