I am done

I went to the doctor today for my final check.  Diagnosed.  Diagnosed with Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome.  They won't be able to do the transfer.  We only have 4 embryos left.  Only one is good.  We will freeze them until we will be able to use them later.  We won't be able to try again for at least 2 months.  I am heartbroken.  Embryos only have a 70 % chance of survival after being frozen.  That means we are running out of chances.  I am devastated.

I'm emotionally ruined, but I am physically weak and suffering.  I am so nauseated and dizzy from the OHS. I have thrown up twice today from the nausea.  My stomach is still very tender, but the swelling is starting to decrease.  I don't know how I am going to move on from this.  I don't know how to live my life after going through this.  I don't know how to pick up the pieces and cling to hope that everything will work out.  I don't know how to be a good mother to my child because all I can think about is what i have been through and what I have lost.  I don't know how to be a good wife and look my husband in the eye and smile again.  I don't know when or if happiness will ever return to my soul.  I just want to run away and be alone.  I don't want to bring others down with me.  I don't want to talk about it.  I don't want to face anyone's questions.  But at the same time, why isn't anyone checking on me to see if I am ok?  I don't want them to come, but I feel even more alone without anyone calling.

I hope this pain is temporary.  This pain surpasses anything I have ever felt.  I knew I would be disappointed, but I never dreamed I could feel this much pain.  All I wanted was to be a mother to another child.  I don't understand why that is being withheld from me.  I know that we still have another chance to finish the IVF process, but I don't know if I want to.  I don't know if I can bear going through this pain again.  I don't know if I even want to try.  I am weak.  I am broken.  I give up.