14 Months of Negatives

Today marked my 14th Negative pregnancy test.  I didn't even want to take it this morning because I knew that it was going to be negative.  There are so many thoughts running through my head right now and I just wonder if I will ever go "back to normal".  I miss the old me.  I was ambitious about life, I loved my family and my job.  Now I feel like there is a black hole in our family and it is constantly sucking the life out of me.  I hate my job and I am so disconnected from everyone and everything that I wonder if people still care about me or even want to be around me.  I don't know that I would want to be around someone that was constantly down and depressed.

I did a little bit of research and I am so confused.  I have endometriosis and I have had two surgeries in the past 5 years to treat it.  After reading an article online, I was under the impression that surgery should NOT be performed unless the woman is past having her family.  I am TICKED.  Why in the world would the doctor recommend surgery if it was going to potentially sterilize me?!  I specifically remember asking about this too and he told me that it would only increase my chances of getting pregnant and I shouldn't worry.  Who knows that may not be the reason for my infertility, but it sure helps to blame someone right now.  The second moron doctor that I would like to blame is the one that has been pumping me full of estrogen and doing pointless IUIs on me.  I wish I had done more research on the subject, but I trusted my doctor that he knew my entire history and would do what was best for me.  Estrogen feeds the endometriosis and only makes it worse.  So 5 months of feeding the endo probably has done wonders for my fertility.  Secondly, IUIs have a very low success rate for women with endo.  This would have been nice to know and would have saved me 2000 dollars.  I can't believe how much time and money I have wasted.

It is looking more and more like we will be heading down the In Vitro road.  I would like to do a little bit more research, but we will need to start saving our pennies.  I am thinking about selling my car.  I love my car, but we won't be able to afford it after the 20K+ price tag we will be facing with IVF.  How in the world do people pay for this?  I just wish there were other options.

Mother's Day

I feel so incredibly blessed that I am able to take part in a day to celebrate our Mothers.  With so many afflicted with infertility and are never able to experience motherhood, I am so grateful every day for my little miracle.  She is turning into such a fun charismatic little girl.  I couldn't be prouder to be her mommy.  Today just reminded me that even though I am going through infertility, I am a mother.  This is not something that should be forgotten or taken advantage of as I obsess with this tremendous trial in my life.  I AM a mother, and even though things aren't going my way for number two, I will always be a mother to the sweetest little girl.  If it turns out that she is my only child in this life, I will be satisfied in knowing that she is mine and I am hers.

Crying is normal right?

I am really starting to think that something is wrong with me.  Well I know something is wrong with me, but I am starting to think something else is REALLY wrong.  I cannot control my eyes right now!  I am a blubbering mess all the time.  The things that I cry about are really the most insignificant things.  Like if I hear a touching news story or a cute song on the radio, the waterworks just start flowing.  Luckily, I manage to control myself while in the presence of others.  I wouldn't want anyone else to think that there is something wrong with me.  I'm not sure what all the extra emotion is all about but my thoughts are leaning to the latest and greatest drug I am taking now.

About a week ago I had my progesterone tested and it was 11.8.  Now I have had this tested before and it was only 6. something.  I'm pretty sure that anything over 6 means you ovulated.  I'm not an expert by any means, but I think the progesterone also needs to be higher to sustain a pregnancy???  I'm not really sure, but I think it has something to do with it.  The doctor was less than thrilled with my levels, I guess they like to see them closer to 15-20 on a medicated cycle.  They decided to put me on a Progesterone Supplement, just in case.  The progesterone hasn't been awful, but I have broken out terribly and I am Uper Duper emotional and cranky.  I could just be PMSing too so you never know!  I love how every symptom you have could be caused by almost anything.  One bad thing about the progesterone, besides the craters on my face and tearing eyes, it makes you so you don't start your period.  This would be great, if I was pregnant.  Not so much if I'm not.  The doctor basically told me to take a pregnancy test 2 weeks after the IUI (which is Mother's Day by the way), if it's negative-test again in 3 days.  If it's still negative, stop taking the progesterone and I will start my cycle.  Sounds like next week is going to be a roller coaster.  Just in case you were wondering, I will NOT be taking a pregnancy test on Mother's Day.  I'm not going to ruin my day by getting a negative test.  If I magically start my period on Sunday, I am going to come to the conclusion that God has a cruel sense of humor.  Fingers crossed that I don't!