It's all good, until it's not

Well month one of "not caring" seemed to go pretty well, until yesterday that is.  That's right, I received my notification that I am no closer to having another child than I was 15 months ago.  I don't know why but I seem to be bitchier than usual about it too.  I must have thought deep down that since I didn't "care" anymore, BAM I would be pregnant.  Apparently life doesn't work that way.

I just feel like I am stuck at this cross roads.  I feel like I have two choices, I can:
A). Be happy with my single child and let go of this hope of having another.  I love my daughter, she is my world.  Shouldn't that be enough?
or
B). Pursue the not so wonderful world of IVF and take the chance that I may be able to have another child.

I honestly do not know what to do.  If we do pursue IVF, we won't be able to even start the process until November.  November isn't that far considering we have waited this long, but I am dreading the thought of going through 5 more months of disappointment.  I don't know if I can take it anymore and I don't know if my family can take it anymore.  Every month I am so snappy and terrible to them.  It's not their fault, but they are the ones that are punished.

If I decide to follow A's choice, how do I honestly let go of something that I want so terribly?  It doesn't help that I am surrounded by fertile young families and that I am constantly getting mail or email for things for the baby that I do not have.  Every day I see multiple pregnant women, new born babies or families in general.  I will never get away from that so how do I change my perspective?  I'm starting to think that it is time I seek out some professional help.  Even when I feel like I am doing ok I still have horrible resentment to other people that are experiencing the one thing I want most.  That can't be normal.  I can't go on living my life hating every pregnant woman that I see.  My family is all still really young and I am sure there are many more nieces and nephews on the way.  The last thing I want to do is resent one of my family members for getting pregnant.  The doctor that I saw last week mentioned that they have a psychologist in the office for this kind of thing.  It just may be time for that.

Wow this post is a real downer.  Sorry about that.  As I said in the beginning, this is my way to get it all out.  Well it is definitely out there now and hopefully I can find some peace today.  Thanks for listening.

There it is...

So after last month's disappointment, I decided to have a new focus.  I was going to get skinny and fit and forget about all of this infertility crap.  It has been working like a charm.  I have been so much happier and non obsessive about every little thing my body does.  I have felt renewed and excited about my new adventure of getting in shape.

Today I was faced with hanging out with 2 pregnant women in the same room.  I should have known that it was going to be a bad idea but I really thought I had moved on.  A little bit of background, both of these women are pregnant with their 4th child.  One of the women will have 4 children ages 2 and under.  That's right 2 and under.  She even said, "my husband and I can't even wash our underwear together or we get pregnant!"  I wish that it was that easy for me.  I feel bad because even though they have done nothing wrong, I can't help but feel resentful.  It's not fair to feel this way, but the pain and longing for a child takes over all logic.  It just really brought back a lot of heart ache that I have been missing for the past couple of weeks.  I guess I am not completely healed and it will take a long time to start feeling better about my situation.  I haven't given up all hope.  I have another doctor appointment with a Dr that is supposed to be a specialist in endometreosis.  I am hoping that he will have some answers for me, but if not, it's back to the workout/eat healthy focus until I can find something else to keep my mind occupied.