Since the egg retrieval I have been in an incredible amount of pain. I really started to feel like something was wrong last night. My stomach was distended and I had a low fever. I decided that I should go in to see the doctor in the morning. I went to my doctor's office and told them my concerns. After consulting with the doctor, they were able to fit me in on the schedule.
It turns out I have Moderate Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome. I sort of already knew this, but when the doctor did my ultrasound, he found a lot of free fluid in my abdomen. With the fluid, they will not permit a transfer to happen. I was doing everything to keep it together in the office. It's not the end of the world, I will eventually be able to transfer the embryos, it just will be several months before we can try. I have to go back in on Sunday to see if the fluid has gotten worse. If it does, they will have to drain the fluid. I guess it takes 3-4 drains before things can go back to normal. I am utterly devastated. I am broken. I am angry. I hope that I can get through this, but right now I don't really even want to. I just want to give up. What's the point? All of this to bring another child into this world so that they could potentially go through the same thing that I am going through? I don't understand the lesson or the purpose in this experience. I have tried everything reasonably possible, and I still get the same result. I'm not meant to have any more children, obviously.
Today is a sad day, so please don't judge me for it.
Thursday, February 6, 2014
Wednesday, February 5, 2014
Retrieval
Yesterday we had our egg retrieval. I was pretty nervous but everything went great! The doctor was able to get 25 eggs!! We were ecstatic. 25 is my lucky number afterall. I was #25 on all of my sports teams and my daughter was born on the 25th of April. What a perfect number! I went home feeling pretty good and slept most of the day. The times that I was awake were super painful. Here are the things that no one warned me about:
1. Getting 25 eggs removed pretty much feels like you were stabbed over and over 25 times. My insides are so sore and the slightest movement sends stabbing pain throughout.
2. Going to the bathroom is dreaded. As I mentioned before, everything hurts and going pee is no exception. I finally sort of went #2 today and it felt like my insides were ripping. I think I'd rather stay constipated.
3. I look pregnant. My guts are so swollen that it looks like I am already a couple of months along. If all this works out, I won't care much about this one.
4. Along with the swelling comes extreme tenderness. I found the loosest stretchiest clothes that I could today and it still felt like I was being squished.
5. You can't take anything but Tylenol, which does nothing to dull the pain.
All of this was worth it though. Out the 25 eggs, we have 13 good embryos! 22 of the eggs were actually mature, 14 fertilized, but 1 was abnormal. I can't believe we had such a good outcome! I am so excited to hear how they do the next few days. We are scheduled to do our transfer on Friday and I get to start the lovely progesterone tomorrow. Fingers crossed that my uterus behaves and allows us to do the transfer. The doctor mentioned that I still had fluid in my uterus from the hyperstimulation so let's hope that resolves in the next day or two. Happy thoughts!!!
1. Getting 25 eggs removed pretty much feels like you were stabbed over and over 25 times. My insides are so sore and the slightest movement sends stabbing pain throughout.
2. Going to the bathroom is dreaded. As I mentioned before, everything hurts and going pee is no exception. I finally sort of went #2 today and it felt like my insides were ripping. I think I'd rather stay constipated.
3. I look pregnant. My guts are so swollen that it looks like I am already a couple of months along. If all this works out, I won't care much about this one.
4. Along with the swelling comes extreme tenderness. I found the loosest stretchiest clothes that I could today and it still felt like I was being squished.
5. You can't take anything but Tylenol, which does nothing to dull the pain.
All of this was worth it though. Out the 25 eggs, we have 13 good embryos! 22 of the eggs were actually mature, 14 fertilized, but 1 was abnormal. I can't believe we had such a good outcome! I am so excited to hear how they do the next few days. We are scheduled to do our transfer on Friday and I get to start the lovely progesterone tomorrow. Fingers crossed that my uterus behaves and allows us to do the transfer. The doctor mentioned that I still had fluid in my uterus from the hyperstimulation so let's hope that resolves in the next day or two. Happy thoughts!!!
Monday, February 3, 2014
Retrieval Tomorrow!
Friday, January 31st
The fluid went away! It was completely gone! It looks like we will be able to proceed with the transfer. I couldn't be more thrilled and I was so grateful to have a priesthood blessing the night before. Miracles do happen every day.
4 Needle Pokes
Saturday, February 1st
Everything was looking good, but my estradiol levels were getting way too high. My doctor changed my medication dose, but I still had 4 needle pokes. This was the first day that I really started to feel "done". I was getting so frustrated with all the shots and the discomfort. I was frustrated with the constant change in my medication dose. I just wish we could have continuous good news rather than this roller coaster ride that we can't seem to get off of.
Sunday, February 2nd
Sunday turned into another frustrating day. My ultrasound did not go as well as I had hoped. Since my meds were dramatically reduced, the follicles stopped growing. I only had 2 follicles that were decent size. They typically like to see at least 3. I was super bummed. The nurse talked to me for a while about my situation. Apparently the high level of estradiol and the high follicle counts were both signs of ovarian hyperstimulation. That is why my doctor reduced my stimulant dose so much. They really wanted to do one more day of stimulation, but because of my risk for overstimulation, they decided that I should trigger at 10:00 Sunday night. I am just having faith that Heavenly Father and the doctors will take care of me. I know that I am working with highly skilled individuals. I know that they will make the right decisions for me. I just also pray that I am being watched over, that everything will go as well as it possibly can. I have been through so much and I just pray that the Lord will bless me. PS only 2 needle sticks today! Wahoo!
Monday, February 3rd
Well here we are, caught up to today! I triggered last night so that we would be able to do our retrieval tomorrow. I am so nervous, but so excited! I know everything will work out and we are so close to being finished! I can't wait. One thing that happened today is that I got my first positive pregnancy test in 2 years! It is kind of cruel. The doctor wanted to ensure that the HCG trigger shot was in my bloodstream so they asked me to take a pregnancy test around noon. It was bittersweet to see that positive result. It was good to know that the drug was working, but heartbreaking to know that it wasn't really what the test indicates. Hopefully I will get to see that positive again soon! I was trying to find a box with only one pregnancy test. Who knew that such a thing didn't exist?!? I guess they know most of us women are serial testers. Don't get me wrong, I am totally guilty of test, test, test, but I didn't want to have an extra test laying around tempting me once we go through with the transfer. They say that you almost never get a positive urine pregnancy test with IVF initially. I am just hoping I can hold out until the 2 week blood test. I don't want to disappoint myself before we actually know for sure.
Well I don't know if anyone even reads this, but if anyone out there is, please pray for us. Please pray for us that everything will go well, and if it doesn't, please pray that I will get through it. I need all the extra prayers I can get.
The fluid went away! It was completely gone! It looks like we will be able to proceed with the transfer. I couldn't be more thrilled and I was so grateful to have a priesthood blessing the night before. Miracles do happen every day.
4 Needle Pokes
Saturday, February 1st
Everything was looking good, but my estradiol levels were getting way too high. My doctor changed my medication dose, but I still had 4 needle pokes. This was the first day that I really started to feel "done". I was getting so frustrated with all the shots and the discomfort. I was frustrated with the constant change in my medication dose. I just wish we could have continuous good news rather than this roller coaster ride that we can't seem to get off of.
Sunday, February 2nd
Sunday turned into another frustrating day. My ultrasound did not go as well as I had hoped. Since my meds were dramatically reduced, the follicles stopped growing. I only had 2 follicles that were decent size. They typically like to see at least 3. I was super bummed. The nurse talked to me for a while about my situation. Apparently the high level of estradiol and the high follicle counts were both signs of ovarian hyperstimulation. That is why my doctor reduced my stimulant dose so much. They really wanted to do one more day of stimulation, but because of my risk for overstimulation, they decided that I should trigger at 10:00 Sunday night. I am just having faith that Heavenly Father and the doctors will take care of me. I know that I am working with highly skilled individuals. I know that they will make the right decisions for me. I just also pray that I am being watched over, that everything will go as well as it possibly can. I have been through so much and I just pray that the Lord will bless me. PS only 2 needle sticks today! Wahoo!
Monday, February 3rd
Well here we are, caught up to today! I triggered last night so that we would be able to do our retrieval tomorrow. I am so nervous, but so excited! I know everything will work out and we are so close to being finished! I can't wait. One thing that happened today is that I got my first positive pregnancy test in 2 years! It is kind of cruel. The doctor wanted to ensure that the HCG trigger shot was in my bloodstream so they asked me to take a pregnancy test around noon. It was bittersweet to see that positive result. It was good to know that the drug was working, but heartbreaking to know that it wasn't really what the test indicates. Hopefully I will get to see that positive again soon! I was trying to find a box with only one pregnancy test. Who knew that such a thing didn't exist?!? I guess they know most of us women are serial testers. Don't get me wrong, I am totally guilty of test, test, test, but I didn't want to have an extra test laying around tempting me once we go through with the transfer. They say that you almost never get a positive urine pregnancy test with IVF initially. I am just hoping I can hold out until the 2 week blood test. I don't want to disappoint myself before we actually know for sure.
Well I don't know if anyone even reads this, but if anyone out there is, please pray for us. Please pray for us that everything will go well, and if it doesn't, please pray that I will get through it. I need all the extra prayers I can get.
Thursday, January 30, 2014
Let the journey begin!
I have been terrible about posting! I should have been posting every day for the past week, but life has been way too crazy. I guess I will just shove it into one post! We finally started our In Vitro cycle last Friday! I will fill in all the details, but I have to go back a couple of weeks to start the story. I finally started my period in January and I was excited for the first time. I was excited because I knew that after months, I mean YEARS of waiting, we could finally start the process to getting our little baby. I called the doctors office immediately and they started the horrendous process of getting the cycle pre authorized. I won't go into much detail other than to say, IT SUCKED! The insurance did not want to cover the procedure because they said that we had not completed enough "non-invasive" treatments. I just would like to rant a little. How is trying for 2 years, completing 6 cycles of clomid, 1 cycle of injectables with trigger shots, and 2 cycles with artificial insemination not enough? I mean what else do we have to do to prove we are infertile?!? I just hate insurance companies. At the same time though, I am so grateful. After much effort and stress, we were finally able to get the cycle authorized. Did I mention that was 2 days bfefore I was supposed to start stimulation medication? Haha! It was just the craziest timing but amazing how it fell into place.
Once we got the cycle approved, we were able to order my medications. My meds came out to be 3,700 dollars. Holy smokes! I nearly choked on my tongue when they told me what my grand total was. The meds came the next day and this is what 3700 bucks gets you!
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Once we got the cycle approved, we were able to order my medications. My meds came out to be 3,700 dollars. Holy smokes! I nearly choked on my tongue when they told me what my grand total was. The meds came the next day and this is what 3700 bucks gets you!
I have to admit, I was really excited to get started! Here is the recap of everything that has happened so far:
Friday, January 24th
This was my initial Ultrasound and blood draw to see how things were baseline. I was pretty nervous to go in, but excited at the same time. As I went in for the US, the nurse told me to take out my tampon if I was on my period. I was confused by this because I hadn't stopped my period that long ago. I had been on birth control for a couple of weeks, but I just stopped it a few days earlier. Low and behold, I started my period at that exact moment. It was a little strange that she knew that was going to happen. I had my first of many ultrasounds and the NP, Angie, said that everything looked great. Apparently I had about 20 follicles on each ovary and I was expected to do well with the medication. I was ecstatic. I was on cloud nine. After the ultrasound I met with Angie and she talked to me about how to do my medications. Unfortunately with my medications I was going to have to do 2 shots a night. I was dreading this, but in a way, excited. Angie told me to take 50 ml of a low dose HCG medication and 300 ui of Follistim.
That night I got all my medications laid out and started to ice my stomach. I was really nervous for the injections, but I knew it would all be worth it. My sweet husband did the shots for me and he did great!
The follistim pen was so weird! It allows you to set the dose and then you have to click it to get all the dose delivered. I did not like that clicking noise. Surprisingly, the shots were not bad at all. Icing totally helps! I only had a little bit of burning with the low dose HCG. So just to recap, I had 3 needle pokes this day :)
Saturday, January 25th - Sunday, January 26th
The shots went well!
4 more needle pokes
Monday, January 27th
I had my first blood draw
After receiving the blood draw results, the doctor decided to reduce my follistim dose to 225 iu. Apparently my ovaries were trying to be over achievers.
3 Needle Pokes
Tuesday, January 28th
By Tuesday I was having a little bit of a melt down. The meds had finally kicked in full force. I was emotional and I was really worried that the cycle wasn't going to work. I ended up asking my neighbor for a blessing since my husband was out of town. The blessing really helped me calm down and I was able to start thinking those positive thoughts again.
2 Needle Pokes
Wednesday, January 29th
Second Bloodraw and Ultrasound
The Ultrasound looked good but I had a lot of eggs growing. My doctor has been out due to a leg infection. The doctor who was filling in was concerned that I was hyper-stimulating. He said that I had too many eggs developing. He said that he only likes to have 10 eggs at retrieval. I was a little upset by this since I was told I had 20 on each ovary when we started. I would rather have 20 eggs at retrieval to increase our chances for trying again later. I guess it only takes one egg, but I was annoyed by his reservations. The blood results were not good as well. I was still too high in my levels so the doctor lowered my dose to 188 iu of follistim. They also added Centrotide to prevent the eggs from releasing.
Still counting? That was 4 Needle Pokes for that day! Getting bruised!
Thursday, January 30th
Well this brings us to today. Today was by far the worst day of the entire process. I went in for another Ultrasound and Blood Draw. The physician noted that I had fluid in my uterus. Apparently, this is very bad news. IVF is almost never successful when there is fluid in the uterus. The worst part, was when the doctor told me that we would have to wait 2 months to try again. I was devastated. I was frustrated because the fluid was not there yesterday. I am convinced it is because they have messed with my drugs so much. The most frustrating part was that the doctor couldn't really tell me what caused it or what the next steps would be. He basically said that we would just have to wait and see. Wait and see?! Does he not realize what we have invested to do this? I just would like more answers. The day was devastating. I pretty much cried all day. I was a mess. After all of this, now we won't be able to transfer? I don't understand why we have such bad luck! After a few hours the nurse called me back and explained what was going on. It didn't make me feel a whole lot better, but at least it gave me some understanding of what was going on. She also told me to increase my follistim back to 300 iu! Urgh, make up your minds already!!
After work I felt impressed to call my brother and ask him to give me a blessing. Since it would be a healing blessing, he asked me to have another priesthood holder present. I was going to have my neighbor do the blessing again, but I called my husband. Much to my surprise, he offered to do it. This was such a big step, as he has never done one before. I felt the spirit so much when I received the blessing. I just felt a sense of calm. I felt like everything was going to be ok and that no matter what happens, this trial is coming to an end. I am so grateful for the priesthood and the blessings that it brings. It is amazing that I can have one of the worst days of my life and then I feel at peace just by hearing the words of the spirit. I'm grateful to have my husband support me during this time and I am so grateful for good family and friends. I know that I am going to get through this. No matter what happens with this cycle, I will be able to carry on. I'm just hoping for good news tomorrow!
Since we are keeping track, 4 Needle Pokes today too! That is a total of 16 Pokes in the last week! I'm starting to feel like a pin cushion.
Sunday, November 24, 2013
Getting Closer
I am on my last cycle before I start IVF. I think it would be wonderful if I magically got pregnant this month, but I know this will most likely not be the case. One more time to ovulate, one more time to "try", one more time to wait, one more time to be disappointed in the end. At least I hope, this is the last time for disappointment.
I've tried very hard not to put a lot of thought into preparing for this very big step, but tonight I started the research. Unfortunately, the anxiety started with it. I am glad that I researched the details of the procedure, but I am extremely nervous now. It just seems like a lot to go through, to not have it work. I'm especially worried about the possibility of having the Hypo Ovary Stimulation Syndrome occurring. I'm not sure if it is from my endometreosis or what, but every time that I have taken fertility medication I have the worst ovarian pain ever! I suffer for a good week after I start my period. I'm really worried that it will be even worse once I start the heavy duty meds for IVF. I hope that I don't have any problems with the meds and that everything goes smoothly. Oh I hope.
I am extremely nervous, but I am extremely hopeful. This is it. This is our last chance. I must keep myself focused and not let the emotion of it take over. After all, if it doesn't work, at least I will have my closure. There is nothing that I can do to change the outcome. All I can do is follow the physician's instruction and hope for the best.
I've tried very hard not to put a lot of thought into preparing for this very big step, but tonight I started the research. Unfortunately, the anxiety started with it. I am glad that I researched the details of the procedure, but I am extremely nervous now. It just seems like a lot to go through, to not have it work. I'm especially worried about the possibility of having the Hypo Ovary Stimulation Syndrome occurring. I'm not sure if it is from my endometreosis or what, but every time that I have taken fertility medication I have the worst ovarian pain ever! I suffer for a good week after I start my period. I'm really worried that it will be even worse once I start the heavy duty meds for IVF. I hope that I don't have any problems with the meds and that everything goes smoothly. Oh I hope.
I am extremely nervous, but I am extremely hopeful. This is it. This is our last chance. I must keep myself focused and not let the emotion of it take over. After all, if it doesn't work, at least I will have my closure. There is nothing that I can do to change the outcome. All I can do is follow the physician's instruction and hope for the best.
Monday, October 21, 2013
Big Step
Well months have passed since I started the alternative medicine. Unfortunately for me, I have not responded to that treatment either. I'm starting to wonder if my uterus really is broken! We finally made the decision that we are going to proceed with In Vitro. This is such a HUGE step. To be honest, I don't know if I am ready for it or if it is really the right thing to do. I just feel like we have tried everything out there. To me, this is our last hope.
We had our initial consultation last week and we talked a lot about all of the testing that is required prior to starting the process. We discussed a lot of the billing and insurance issues and let me tell you, I don't ever want to have to go through something like this again. I feel so blessed that we will actually have some coverage with insurance, but trying to figure out what plan to select and what provider has been a real nightmare. I have talked with so many people about deductibles, coverage etc. I just want to puke! If I don't get pregnant out of this, I am sure it will be due to the stress of trying to get everything paid for. The positive thing that I need to keep in mind is that even without insurance, we have the money. We have been saving for months so I just need to realize that everything will be taken care of one way or another. I need to de-stress.
I have decided that I am not going to publicly tell people that we are going through this process. I really just don't want people to be asking me questions throughout the entire process. I just want to get through it, get pregnant, and then I will gladly tell everyone what they need to know. I just hope that I can keep my sanity through this all!
Here's to lots of needles in the future and hopefully, lots of babies!
We had our initial consultation last week and we talked a lot about all of the testing that is required prior to starting the process. We discussed a lot of the billing and insurance issues and let me tell you, I don't ever want to have to go through something like this again. I feel so blessed that we will actually have some coverage with insurance, but trying to figure out what plan to select and what provider has been a real nightmare. I have talked with so many people about deductibles, coverage etc. I just want to puke! If I don't get pregnant out of this, I am sure it will be due to the stress of trying to get everything paid for. The positive thing that I need to keep in mind is that even without insurance, we have the money. We have been saving for months so I just need to realize that everything will be taken care of one way or another. I need to de-stress.
I have decided that I am not going to publicly tell people that we are going through this process. I really just don't want people to be asking me questions throughout the entire process. I just want to get through it, get pregnant, and then I will gladly tell everyone what they need to know. I just hope that I can keep my sanity through this all!
Here's to lots of needles in the future and hopefully, lots of babies!
Thursday, September 19, 2013
Alternative Medicine-July 19th, 2013
I forgot to post this from July. So I'm sorry it is out of order.
After this month's disappointment, my husband and I started talking more about IVF and how we were going to pay for it. I just can't believe how outrageously expensive it is! There are several different options, but if you want to have a "money back guarantee", you will pay for it! It's not that I have a hard time justifying the cost because I know the cause is totally worth it. I just have a hard time justifying it when I have had 3 doctors really give me no reason that I need IVF. I have a hard time justifying it when I had my daughter with no trouble whatsoever. I just play the scenario of what if we do the IVF and it doesn't work? Then what? I just don't think I am ready to accept that there are no more children in our future. I also can't help but think, what if we aren't being patient enough? What if we would have waited just one more month and we wouldn't have needed to go into unnecessary debt. All these doubts tell me that I am not ready to go down that road yet. I am looking into other options and keeping IVF as a last possible solution.
One of my good friends had been going through infertility for the past 2 plus years. Poor thing has had a couple of miscarriages and has just had a really hard time. Well just a few days ago she randomly messages me. I haven't heard from her in months so it was really interesting timing as I had just started my period the day before. I know what you are thinking, but I really was happy for her! It gave me hope knowing what she had been through and she still managed to get pregnant. Well she tells me that she went to this new doctor and he gave her some drops to put under her tongue. She says that after the first month of taking the drops, BAM she's pregnant. This sounds almost too good to be true. Turns out she is 12 weeks along and doing great. What the heck was in those drops?!
I decided to go and see the guy that she was seeing and was set up with the drops as well. Here's to hoping that they work!
After this month's disappointment, my husband and I started talking more about IVF and how we were going to pay for it. I just can't believe how outrageously expensive it is! There are several different options, but if you want to have a "money back guarantee", you will pay for it! It's not that I have a hard time justifying the cost because I know the cause is totally worth it. I just have a hard time justifying it when I have had 3 doctors really give me no reason that I need IVF. I have a hard time justifying it when I had my daughter with no trouble whatsoever. I just play the scenario of what if we do the IVF and it doesn't work? Then what? I just don't think I am ready to accept that there are no more children in our future. I also can't help but think, what if we aren't being patient enough? What if we would have waited just one more month and we wouldn't have needed to go into unnecessary debt. All these doubts tell me that I am not ready to go down that road yet. I am looking into other options and keeping IVF as a last possible solution.
One of my good friends had been going through infertility for the past 2 plus years. Poor thing has had a couple of miscarriages and has just had a really hard time. Well just a few days ago she randomly messages me. I haven't heard from her in months so it was really interesting timing as I had just started my period the day before. I know what you are thinking, but I really was happy for her! It gave me hope knowing what she had been through and she still managed to get pregnant. Well she tells me that she went to this new doctor and he gave her some drops to put under her tongue. She says that after the first month of taking the drops, BAM she's pregnant. This sounds almost too good to be true. Turns out she is 12 weeks along and doing great. What the heck was in those drops?!
I decided to go and see the guy that she was seeing and was set up with the drops as well. Here's to hoping that they work!
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