Let the journey begin!

I have been terrible about posting!  I should have been posting every day for the past week, but life has been way too crazy.  I guess I will just shove it into one post!  We finally started our In Vitro cycle last Friday!  I will fill in all the details, but I have to go back a couple of weeks to start the story.  I finally started my period in January and I was excited for the first time.  I was excited because I knew that after months, I mean YEARS of waiting, we could finally start the process to getting our little baby.  I called the doctors office immediately and they started the horrendous process of getting the cycle pre authorized.  I won't go into much detail other than to say, IT SUCKED! The insurance did not want to cover the procedure because they said that we had not completed enough "non-invasive" treatments.  I just would like to rant a little.  How is trying for 2 years, completing 6 cycles of clomid, 1 cycle of injectables with trigger shots, and 2 cycles with artificial insemination not enough?  I mean what else do we have to do to prove we are infertile?!?  I just hate insurance companies.  At the same time though, I am so grateful.  After much effort and stress, we were finally able to get the cycle authorized.  Did I mention that was 2 days bfefore I was supposed to start stimulation medication?  Haha!  It was just the craziest timing but amazing how it fell into place.

Once we got the cycle approved, we were able to order my medications.  My meds came out to be 3,700 dollars.  Holy smokes!  I nearly choked on my tongue when they told me what my grand total was.  The meds came the next day and this is what 3700 bucks gets you!

I have to admit, I was really excited to get started!  Here is the recap of everything that has happened so far:

Friday, January 24th

This was my initial Ultrasound and blood draw to see how things were baseline.  I was pretty nervous to go in, but excited at the same time.  As I went in for the US, the nurse told me to take out my tampon if I was on my period.  I was confused by this because I hadn't stopped my period that long ago.  I had been on birth control for a couple of weeks, but I just stopped it a few days earlier. Low and behold, I started my period at that exact moment.  It was a little strange that she knew that was going to happen.  I had my first of many ultrasounds and the NP, Angie, said that everything looked great.  Apparently I had about 20 follicles on each ovary and I was expected to do well with the medication.  I was ecstatic.  I was on cloud nine.  After the ultrasound I met with Angie and she talked to me about how to do my medications.  Unfortunately with my medications I was going to have to do 2 shots a night.  I was dreading this, but in a way, excited.  Angie told me to take 50 ml of a low dose HCG medication and 300 ui of Follistim.

That night I got all my medications laid out and started to ice my stomach.  I was really nervous for the injections, but I knew it would all be worth it.  My sweet husband did the shots for me and he did great!

The follistim pen was so weird!  It allows you to set the dose and then you have to click it to get all the dose delivered.  I did not like that clicking noise.  Surprisingly, the shots were not bad at all.  Icing totally helps!  I only had a little bit of burning with the low dose HCG.  So just to recap, I had 3 needle pokes this day :)

Saturday, January 25th - Sunday, January 26th

The shots went well!

4 more needle pokes

Monday, January 27th

I had my first blood draw 

After receiving the blood draw results, the doctor decided to reduce my follistim dose to 225 iu.  Apparently my ovaries were trying to be over achievers.  

3 Needle Pokes

Tuesday, January 28th

By Tuesday I was having a little bit of a melt down.  The meds had finally kicked in full force.  I was emotional and I was really worried that the cycle wasn't going to work.  I ended up asking my neighbor for a blessing since my husband was out of town.  The blessing really helped me calm down and I was able to start thinking those positive thoughts again.

2 Needle Pokes

Wednesday, January 29th

Second Bloodraw and Ultrasound

The Ultrasound looked good but I had a lot of eggs growing.  My doctor has been out due to a leg infection.  The doctor who was filling in was concerned that I was hyper-stimulating.  He said that I had too many eggs developing.  He said that he only likes to have 10 eggs at retrieval.  I was a little upset by this since I was told I had 20 on each ovary when we started.  I would rather have 20 eggs at retrieval to increase our chances for trying again later.  I guess it only takes one egg, but I was annoyed by his reservations.  The blood results were not good as well.  I was still too high in my levels so the doctor lowered my dose to 188 iu of follistim.  They also added Centrotide to prevent the eggs from releasing.

Still counting?  That was 4 Needle Pokes for that day!  Getting bruised!

Thursday, January 30th

Well this brings us to today.  Today was by far the worst day of the entire process.  I went in for another Ultrasound and Blood Draw.  The physician noted that I had fluid in my uterus.  Apparently, this is very bad news.  IVF is almost never successful when there is fluid in the uterus.  The worst part, was when the doctor told me that we would have to wait 2 months to try again.  I was devastated.  I was frustrated because the fluid was not there yesterday.  I am convinced it is because they have messed with my drugs so much.  The most frustrating part was that the doctor couldn't really tell me what caused it or what the next steps would be.  He basically said that we would just have to wait and see.  Wait and see?!  Does he not realize what we have invested to do this?  I just would like more answers.  The day was devastating.  I pretty much cried all day.  I was a mess.  After all of this, now we won't be able to transfer?  I don't understand why we have such bad luck!  After a few hours the nurse called me back and explained what was going on.  It didn't make me feel a whole lot better, but at least it gave me some understanding of what was going on.  She also told me to increase my follistim back to 300 iu!  Urgh, make up your minds already!!  

After work I felt impressed to call my brother and ask him to give me a blessing.  Since it would be a healing blessing, he asked me to have another priesthood holder present.  I was going to have my neighbor do the blessing again, but I called my husband.  Much to my surprise, he offered to do it.  This was such a big step, as he has never done one before.  I felt the spirit so much when I received the blessing.  I just felt a sense of calm.  I felt like everything was going to be ok and that no matter what happens, this trial is coming to an end.  I am so grateful for the priesthood and the blessings that it brings.  It is amazing that I can have one of the worst days of my life and then I feel at peace just by hearing the words of the spirit.  I'm grateful to have my husband support me during this time and I am so grateful for good family and friends.  I know that I am going to get through this.  No matter what happens with this cycle, I will be able to carry on.  I'm just hoping for good news tomorrow!  

Since we are keeping track, 4 Needle Pokes today too!  That is a total of 16 Pokes in the last week!  I'm starting to feel like a pin cushion.

Getting Closer

I am on my last cycle before I start IVF.  I think it would be wonderful if I magically got pregnant this month, but I know this will most likely not be the case.  One more time to ovulate, one more time to "try", one more time to wait, one more time to be disappointed in the end.  At least I hope, this is the last time for disappointment.

I've tried very hard not to put a lot of thought into preparing for this very big step, but tonight I started the research.  Unfortunately, the anxiety started with it.  I am glad that I researched the details of the procedure, but I am extremely nervous now.  It just seems like a lot to go through, to not have it work.  I'm especially worried about the possibility of having the Hypo Ovary Stimulation Syndrome occurring.  I'm not sure if it is from my endometreosis or what, but every time that I have taken fertility medication I have the worst ovarian pain ever!  I suffer for a good week after I start my period.  I'm really worried that it will be even worse once I start the heavy duty meds for IVF.  I hope that I don't have any problems with the meds and that everything goes smoothly.  Oh I hope.

I am extremely nervous, but I am extremely hopeful.  This is it.  This is our last chance.  I must keep myself focused and not let the emotion of it take over.  After all, if it doesn't work, at least I will have my closure.  There is nothing that I can do to change the outcome.  All I can do is follow the physician's instruction and hope for the best.

Big Step

Well months have passed since I started the alternative medicine.  Unfortunately for me, I have not responded to that treatment either.  I'm starting to wonder if my uterus really is broken!  We finally made the decision that we are going to proceed with In Vitro.  This is such a HUGE step.  To be honest, I don't know if I am ready for it or if it is really the right thing to do.  I just feel like we have tried everything out there.  To me, this is our last hope.

We had our initial consultation last week and we talked a lot about all of the testing that is required prior to starting the process.  We discussed a lot of the billing and insurance issues and let me tell you, I don't ever want to have to go through something like this again.  I feel so blessed that we will actually have some coverage with insurance, but trying to figure out what plan to select and what provider has been a real nightmare.  I have talked with so many people about deductibles, coverage etc. I just want to puke!  If I don't get pregnant out of this, I am sure it will be due to the stress of trying to get everything paid for.  The positive thing that I need to keep in mind is that even without insurance, we have the money.  We have been saving for months so I just need to realize that everything will be taken care of one way or another.  I need to de-stress.

I have decided that I am not going to publicly tell people that we are going through this process.  I really just don't want people to be asking me questions throughout the entire process.  I just want to get through it, get pregnant, and then I will gladly tell everyone what they need to know.  I just hope that I can keep my sanity through this all!

Here's to lots of needles in the future and hopefully, lots of babies!

Alternative Medicine-July 19th, 2013

I forgot to post this from July.  So I'm sorry it is out of order.

After this month's disappointment, my husband and I started talking more about IVF and how we were going to pay for it.  I just can't believe how outrageously expensive it is!  There are several different options, but if you want to have a "money back guarantee", you will pay for it!  It's not that I have a hard time justifying the cost because I know the cause is totally worth it.  I just have a hard time justifying it when I have had 3 doctors really give me no reason that I need IVF.  I have a hard time justifying it when I had my daughter with no trouble whatsoever.  I just play the scenario of what if we do the IVF and it doesn't work?  Then what?  I just don't think I am ready to accept that there are no more children in our future.  I also can't help but think, what if we aren't being patient enough?  What if we would have waited just one more month and we wouldn't have needed to go into unnecessary debt.  All these doubts tell me that I am not ready to go down that road yet.  I am looking into other options and keeping IVF as a last possible solution.

One of my good friends had been going through infertility for the past 2 plus years.  Poor thing has had a couple of miscarriages and has just had a really hard time. Well just a few days ago she randomly messages me.  I haven't heard from her in months so it was really interesting timing as I had just started my period the day before.  I know what you are thinking, but I really was happy for her!  It gave me hope knowing what she had been through and she still managed to get pregnant.  Well she tells me that she went to this new doctor and he gave her some drops to put under her tongue.  She says that after the first month of taking the drops, BAM she's pregnant.  This sounds almost too good to be true.  Turns out she is 12 weeks along and doing great.  What the heck was in those drops?!

I decided to go and see the guy that she was seeing and was set up with the drops as well.  Here's to hoping that they work!

The Results are in

I decided to have a blood test yesterday and sadly, but not surprisingly, it was negative.  Now if I would just start my period so I can get on with my life.

It has been a while

I haven't posted in a while as I have been trying very hard to keep distracted from the baby makin' business.  Nothing new to report, other than I am late.  Really late.  11 days late to be exact.  Not that it means anything though.  I have taken who knows how many pregnancy tests, every single one negative.  I still have just a sliver of hope that maybe, just maybe a little baby is growing inside of me right now.  We'll see, and if not, there's always next month right?

Another thing that is weird this month is that my hair is falling out.  Not just a hair here and there, like REALLY falling out.  It is so bizarre.  It reminds me of after I had my daughter when I had the postpartum hair dump.  I would shower and pull clumps of hair out.  This actually has been a bit worse than that.  I called Mr. Dependable Homeopathic Doctor Guy and of course he has no idea why my hair is falling out.  Thanks buddy for recommending drops to take that apparently make my hair fall out, and you have no idea why it is happening.  Once I start my period, I am going to go to my OB and have him check all my hormones just to make sure that these drops haven't completely screwed me up.  Although, if I am pregnant, I take back everything I just said.  I don't care if all of my hair falls out if it means I am pregnant.  I can rock the bald and the belly :)

I am doing better.  People aren't quite pissing me as much as they used to.  I guess I am just more in the acceptance phase of all of this.  Don't get me wrong, people are still getting pregnant every month and I am not, but I am just so used to it now.  I just figure that at least one person will tell me a month.  Lucky for me, someone already told me this month so hopefully that is out of the way for the remaining 13 days.

Once I start my period I am going to go back to the fertility specialist that I saw originally.  We have decided that we are going to do IVF in January.  My husband's work actually has infertility benefits, but they don't start until January.  I am hoping that I can go to the doctor, explain the situation, and start the process in November so that we will be ready to get pregnant in January.  I know that I need to be on birth control for at least a month so I figure I could start that anytime.  It seems so weird to take birth control now.  It's so comical and ironic that I took so many different types of BC for so long because I was worried that we might have our second baby "too soon".  If I only knew!

Well I will update as soon as I have "news".  I'm not expecting anything, but if anyone is reading this, I would really appreciate the prayers right now.  I would love for this torturous journey to be over.

By the way, I had my stomach scoped and they found out that I have a hernia and some excessive bile production going on due to the fact that I don't have a gallbladder.  I am on medication, and yes, I have to take it for the rest of my life.  Super Duper fun for me.  If I ever do get pregnant, I just wonder how this poor baby is going to turn out with all the meds I am on.

A month has passed

I think it is kind of funny that another month has already passed and it's the same story just a different day.  I have been doing really good staying preoccupied with other things in my life.  I have been working really hard on the working out/living a healthier lifestyle.  It has been great and I am really starting to see some improvement (That is until I send the hubby out on an ice cream run tonight).  I will just keep working at it and hopefully I will get back some of the confidence that I have been lacking.

One thing that is I guess newly developed is a stomach condition that I have been dealing with.  I either randomly developed chronic reflux overnight or I have worried myself into an ulcer.  The doctor is not really sure what is wrong with me (must be my thing or something.  I am a medical mystery in Oh so many ways!), but all I know is having heartburn for 8 straight weeks SUCKS.  Now if the heartburn was brought on by pregnancy, then by all means, burn away.  To go through this with no motive or happy ending makes no sense to me.  So what, I have to take medication for the rest of my life?  Why would I suddenly develop this condition when I've never had issues with it before?  It has to do something with my "not caring" motion right?  I mean I started "not caring" 2 months ago.  Seems like a weird coincidence that is when my symptoms started.  Even though I am telling myself that I just don't care, my mind obviously knows myself better and it is "secretly" worrying and giving me ulcers!  Either way, this has to go away.  I don't think I can deal with this for the rest of my life.  I am supposed to have my stomach scoped next Monday, so hopefully they will have some answers.  Maybe while they are at it they will find out why in the hell I can't get pregnant!  Wishful thinking.