14 Months of Negatives

Today marked my 14th Negative pregnancy test.  I didn't even want to take it this morning because I knew that it was going to be negative.  There are so many thoughts running through my head right now and I just wonder if I will ever go "back to normal".  I miss the old me.  I was ambitious about life, I loved my family and my job.  Now I feel like there is a black hole in our family and it is constantly sucking the life out of me.  I hate my job and I am so disconnected from everyone and everything that I wonder if people still care about me or even want to be around me.  I don't know that I would want to be around someone that was constantly down and depressed.

I did a little bit of research and I am so confused.  I have endometriosis and I have had two surgeries in the past 5 years to treat it.  After reading an article online, I was under the impression that surgery should NOT be performed unless the woman is past having her family.  I am TICKED.  Why in the world would the doctor recommend surgery if it was going to potentially sterilize me?!  I specifically remember asking about this too and he told me that it would only increase my chances of getting pregnant and I shouldn't worry.  Who knows that may not be the reason for my infertility, but it sure helps to blame someone right now.  The second moron doctor that I would like to blame is the one that has been pumping me full of estrogen and doing pointless IUIs on me.  I wish I had done more research on the subject, but I trusted my doctor that he knew my entire history and would do what was best for me.  Estrogen feeds the endometriosis and only makes it worse.  So 5 months of feeding the endo probably has done wonders for my fertility.  Secondly, IUIs have a very low success rate for women with endo.  This would have been nice to know and would have saved me 2000 dollars.  I can't believe how much time and money I have wasted.

It is looking more and more like we will be heading down the In Vitro road.  I would like to do a little bit more research, but we will need to start saving our pennies.  I am thinking about selling my car.  I love my car, but we won't be able to afford it after the 20K+ price tag we will be facing with IVF.  How in the world do people pay for this?  I just wish there were other options.

Mother's Day

I feel so incredibly blessed that I am able to take part in a day to celebrate our Mothers.  With so many afflicted with infertility and are never able to experience motherhood, I am so grateful every day for my little miracle.  She is turning into such a fun charismatic little girl.  I couldn't be prouder to be her mommy.  Today just reminded me that even though I am going through infertility, I am a mother.  This is not something that should be forgotten or taken advantage of as I obsess with this tremendous trial in my life.  I AM a mother, and even though things aren't going my way for number two, I will always be a mother to the sweetest little girl.  If it turns out that she is my only child in this life, I will be satisfied in knowing that she is mine and I am hers.

Crying is normal right?

I am really starting to think that something is wrong with me.  Well I know something is wrong with me, but I am starting to think something else is REALLY wrong.  I cannot control my eyes right now!  I am a blubbering mess all the time.  The things that I cry about are really the most insignificant things.  Like if I hear a touching news story or a cute song on the radio, the waterworks just start flowing.  Luckily, I manage to control myself while in the presence of others.  I wouldn't want anyone else to think that there is something wrong with me.  I'm not sure what all the extra emotion is all about but my thoughts are leaning to the latest and greatest drug I am taking now.

About a week ago I had my progesterone tested and it was 11.8.  Now I have had this tested before and it was only 6. something.  I'm pretty sure that anything over 6 means you ovulated.  I'm not an expert by any means, but I think the progesterone also needs to be higher to sustain a pregnancy???  I'm not really sure, but I think it has something to do with it.  The doctor was less than thrilled with my levels, I guess they like to see them closer to 15-20 on a medicated cycle.  They decided to put me on a Progesterone Supplement, just in case.  The progesterone hasn't been awful, but I have broken out terribly and I am Uper Duper emotional and cranky.  I could just be PMSing too so you never know!  I love how every symptom you have could be caused by almost anything.  One bad thing about the progesterone, besides the craters on my face and tearing eyes, it makes you so you don't start your period.  This would be great, if I was pregnant.  Not so much if I'm not.  The doctor basically told me to take a pregnancy test 2 weeks after the IUI (which is Mother's Day by the way), if it's negative-test again in 3 days.  If it's still negative, stop taking the progesterone and I will start my cycle.  Sounds like next week is going to be a roller coaster.  Just in case you were wondering, I will NOT be taking a pregnancy test on Mother's Day.  I'm not going to ruin my day by getting a negative test.  If I magically start my period on Sunday, I am going to come to the conclusion that God has a cruel sense of humor.  Fingers crossed that I don't!

Shoosh, it's a secret!

So I was talking with the hubby today about how inconsiderate I think everyone is in regards to baby talk and pregnancy. I realize that the thoughts and feelings that I have are wrong, but this experience has left me so sour and bitter in many ways that I can't help the way I feel. His response to my ranting, "Well maybe you should stop talking about it and then people won't offend you".  While there is obvious truth to what he is saying, I have to fire back with "Well maybe if people stopped asking I would stop talking about it ".  I mean it's not like I bring up my infertility in every discussion I have with another human being. However, I am pretty open about it if people ask. It is therapeutic to talk about it, but sometimes I just don't like what others say to me. I can't say that I blame then. When dealing with a hormonal woman about 90% of what you say is wrong anyway.

Today was our second IUI.  I am not feeling super hopeful because after all the drugs I only had one mature follicle during the ultrasound check on Friday.  I don't understand how I could only have ONE when I am on so much medication to make be produce more.  Not to mention how terrible I have felt for the past 3 days.  I started to feel like my ovaries were going to explode on Thursday.  I thought for sure that I was going to have a half dozen mature follicles and they were going to tell me that they wouldn't do the IUI because they wouldn't want me to have a batch of babies:)  I guess the good news is that at least we were able to do the IUI.  This is probably going to be our last one because I don't think I can keep going on like this taking all the medication that I am on.  It can't be good for my innards to be stimulated so much for so long.  If we are heading toward IVF I'd rather start saving than blowing all this money on treatments that don't work for us.  I say this all now, but I guess in two weeks we will know whether I mean it or not.  That negative pregnancy test always seems to change my mind.

Drugs, Drugs and more DRUGS!!

Well it is final.  I am a total Druggie right now.  Taking 3 different medications for some people is not really that uncommon, but I am struggling with it.  Not to mention that all 3 significantly mess with my hormones.  I am a raging mad woman one second and a blubbering mess the next.  Gotta love the variety!  Last night I had my first shot of the Bravelle.  It was worse than I expected.  I hate shots just like anyone hates shots, but getting them in your stomach is a new kind of hatred.  I am lucky that my neighbor two doors down is a nurse.  She was such a sweetie and came over last night to do the injection.  It really wasn't that bad, it just burned terribly.  Only 3 more shots this month and I am hoping I don't have to do this again!

I am excited to be pregnant and be nauseous and miserable for a good cause.  The drugs make me feel like I'm pregnant so I feel the nausea, the headaches, the fatigue, but to no avail.  If it works it will all be worth it, but every month that goes by I keep thinking, "what a waste".  This month alone is going to run us up about a thousand dollars!  What if we go through all of that and still don't get pregnant?!  I just think it would be better to start saving for IVF rather than keep throwing money away for nothing. Hopefully this is the month!

Well that explains it

Last month I decided that if I didn't get pregnant that we were going to take a break from all of this.  Well that thought didn't last long once I found out things didn't go the way I planned.  I immediately headed over to the lab to have them test my Prolactin again.  I noticed that I started producing breast milk again about a week ago.  I thought it was odd, but my hopeful self thought that maybe it was a sign of pregnancy.

41.  That was my unlucky number.  Dammit, not this again!  I was high, AGAIN.  At least it partly explains why I didn't get pregnant this month.  What keeps making this hormone increase in my system?!  I just don't get it!  I don't have a pituitary tumor, I haven't breast fed for 2 and a half years, why does my body think I need to feed a baby when it is obviously impossible for me to get pregnant?  Stupid, stupid body....  So I guess it's back on Cabergoline for me.  I was really hoping that I wouldn't have to add, yet again, another drug to the regime.

I called my doctor and he must have decided that now is a great time to go on vacation and he doesn't get back until the 29th of April.  Doesn't he know I am in CRISIS here?!  As long as I'm not pregnant, he shouldn't get to go on vacation!  Just kidding, but I was a little ticked when I found out.  I ended up talking with the Nurse Practioner and she agreed that I should restart the Cabergoline.  She also wanted me to try the Clomid again and add injectables for days 7, 9 and 11.  The problem with doing this is that it greatly increases the amount of mature follicles I will produce.  She said that if I produce more than 4 they won't do the IUI because of the multiples risk.  Well seeming as how ovulating doesn't seem to be my issue, why would we triple the amount of eggs I'm producing and risk the possibility of not being able to do the IUI?  Sigh....  I am so frustrated.  I just feel like they keep throwing drugs at me without really offering me an explanation.  I guess it could be the prolactin, but what if it is something else entirely that they haven't figured out?  I just want to know what the hell is wrong with me!

It hasn't helped that everyone on facebook keeps reminding me how ridiculously fertile they all are.  Three of my friends just informed me that they are having their 4th child!  That is 12 children to my one beautiful daughter and my one empty broken uterus.  BIG SIGH.  I truly feel blessed to have my daughter.  She is a true miracle and I am grateful every day that I have her in my life.  If this plan to give her a sibling never pans out, at least I have her and for that I am incredibly lucky.

Crushed

The line I saw was an Evaporation Line.  I started spotting late last night and I knew that meant that this month was a bust.   I can't even describe the heart ache I am feeling right now.  I just keep hoping that maybe it's just implantation bleeding, but deep down I know that is not the case.  I don't know how to keep doing this month after month.  I don't understand why it didn't happen this month.  Everything should have been timed and it should have worked.  I just don't get it.  If I can't get pregnant going through all everything we did this month, I don't think it will ever happen.  I am just wanting to give up.

In my devastated state last night, my hubby did his best to comfort me.  He tries, but he really doesn't know what to do or say to make me feel better.  I guess there really is nothing that he could do or say.  I just wish he knew what hell this puts me through every month.  It's like he doesn't experience any of the anguish and I just wish that he could go through it one month to understand how I feel.