Coping...maybe not

It seem that my best therapeutic seems to be this blog.   It really is helping me to get the feelings out while I deal with this crap in my life right now. 

Sunday I was faced with a big decision.  I needed to decide if I was going to stay home and mope around or travel down the state for some business meetings that I have had scheduled for several months.  While being alone in the car for several hours didn’t sound like the best idea, I decided it would be better for me to get on with my life.  Either way, whether I am at home or at work, I am going to be sad, I might as well get my job done while I am at it. 

As expected the trip was not exactly the best idea.  I’m sure it is my mind playing tricks on me, but yesterday was cruel.  I mean the constant reminders of my lack of pregnancy would not let up.  I was just trying to enjoy listening to some music on Pandora when every single fucking commercial that came on during the breaks was “We’d like to take a moment to share real pregnancy stories….”  Seriously.  The worst thing about these “commercials” were that they were for the company that I work for!!!  I seriously need to talk to someone in marketing.  I mean have they ever even thought about how these commercials can come across to people that are childless, or going through every fertility problem known to man?  I seriously wanted to go and slam my car into one of their buildings.  I had to mute my volume in my car FIVE times to avoid the same horrible commercial over and over again.  If it wasn’t the overly cheerful pregnant mother on my radio it was the sheep in the fields.

 I spent the majority of my day driving through farmlands and canyons, which should be relaxing, but instead I have to see every earthly creature with their adorable brand new babies.  I had to laugh because I was so ridiculously pissed off at the sheep.  Who gets mad at sheep?  All I could think was, I bet the sheep never deal with infertility!  How would it be?  Their whole purpose in this life is to eat, get knocked up, get shaved or eaten and die.  No infertility problems for them.  Is my life really that sad right now that I am jealous of the sheep?

Let's highlight the other reminders of my trip that made me want to punch something:

• When I finally get to the clinic that I am going to check in on a car pulls into the stall next to mine.  Out walks a woman and goes to the back door to get out her infant carrier carseat.
• When talking to one of the employees that I was meeting with, she mentioned that the other tech was pregnant and needed to order a dosimetery badge for the pregnancy (I work in Radiology).
• When I get to another one of my clinics the manager that I haven't seen in about a year waddles over to me.  She is extremely pregnant and just can "barely go on" any longer.  The poor thing.
• One of the clinic managers that I talked to went on an on that it is a good thing that they "waited" before they got married because they wouldn't be able to hide it because she is so fertile.  Seriously what is wrong with people?

There honestly were too many other things to even mention that set me off, but this gives you an idea of what my life is like every day.  Every day is hell.  There are moments that are not though.  I was able to meet with one of the managers today and she and I are really close.  I don't know what it is about her, but I feel like I can tell her anything and she just has a way of making me feel better.  She reminds me a lot of my mom.  She did make me feel better today.  We talked through things and I was feeling better for the moment.  I felt better and then I was alone again and I cried.  And I was angry again.  I did something I regret now, but I can't change my actions.  Why am I not strong enough to get through this?  Why can't I be one of those people that seem to make the best of a horrible situation?  I just feel so weak.  I feel like I would be better off to stay away from my house and be away from my family.  I am supposed to go home tomorrow.  How am I supposed to do that when I am not ready to go home?  How do I go back to normal life?  I don't feel like I will ever be normal again.  Gees when will this pity party end?!?!

New Beginning

So much of this blog has been anonymous and private.  I think it is time to open up a little about my life, outside the infertility.  Of course, my journey will be the focus here, but I just think it might be nice to have other things to talk about.  For example, you may not know this but this week, amongst its tragedy, was my 7th wedding anniversary.  I can't believe how incredibly luck I am to have the husband that I do.  He and I have been through countless struggles and he is still there for me and still loves me.  I have an incredible amount of guilt hanging over my head right now.  I didn't do a single thing for him for our anniversary.  Not a single thing.  I am a horrible person.  I had so much on my mind with the pregnancy that I just put aside the fact that  I have been married to a wonderful man for seven years!  Who does that?  Who ignores such a tremendous occasion?  To make matters worse, I come home to a beautiful arrangement of roses-my favorite, signs hanging all over the walls that say how much he loves me and two tickets to the symphony.  How lucky am I?  I will make it up to him.  I have to.

 

Along with my anniversary, it just happens to be Mother's Day tomorrow.  The best thing about it, the hubby let me pick anything that I wanted.  He just wanted to make me happy.  You know what makes me happy?  Yardwork.  Yup, as crazy as it sounds, I am a total addict to working in the yard.  I love planting flowers and trees and just pulling everything together.  It was absolutely fitting and symbolic of what we were able to do today.  You see, I have this tree that died this year.  It was a brand new tree that I planted in the fall of last year.  It was just a small tree and for some reason it didn't make it.  I didn't do anything differently than I did with my other trees, but this tree just didn't survive.

We were able to buy a new tree and some shrubs and transformed part of my garden.  It made me feel amazing to see the new life that replaced the dead tree.  I know this is incredibly cheesy, but I can't help but compare it to myself right now.  A part of me died, my babies died (yes we will get to the babies explanation in a minute), but I will carry on.  I need to look at this as not a part of me dying, but a part of me growing and hopefully turning into something better than I once was.

Ok, now let's talk about the miscarriage.  I started to lose the pregnancy yesterday morning.  I was at a very important meeting at work and I just knew that I was going to start to miscarry.  I started getting very crampy and I was very anxious to get out of the meeting for obvious reasons.  Everyone tried to keep me after the meeting to have side conversations and I was just screaming in my head and trying to hold back the tears.  Finally, I was blunt and told them that I had another meeting to be at and I was very sorry but I had to leave.  I drove as quickly as I could to my doctor's office and ran to the rest room as soon as I got there.  What I knew to be true was confirmed.  It was a very hard day.  I will never forget the feelings I had.  One thing that I am grateful for is that I was able to confirm in my mind what was bothering me.  Were there two babies or just one that didn't survive?  This is should a convoluted question anyway.  I mean technically there were two embryos that we transferred so there were potentially two that attached.  I don't know why it was so important to me, but I just wanted to know if both of them implanted and if I lost both of them.  I will try not to get graphic but I feel confident that both embryos attached and that I lost both of them yesterday.  The bleeding has lightened up today and I feel like the worst has passed.  I just pray that every day will get easier.  I think we are off to a good start. 

It's Done

Today marked the day that I knew it was over.  I lost the pregnancy and now I am just trying to heal.  It is hard to think about because I was only five weeks pregnant.  Everyone keeps calling it a "chemical pregnancy".  Like that is supposed to make me feel any better?  So a "chemical pregnancy" isn't a real pregnancy?  I've been pregnant before, so I'm not crazy.  I was pregnant.  I felt it.  There were a couple of quotes that I came across today that seemed to help just a little:

"Just when you've had enough, life gives you more.  And just when you think it's rained enough, it starts to pour"  This was very fitting today as it poured all day long outside.

"For those who understand no explanation is needed.  For those who do not understand, no explanation is even possible."

"If you could read my mind, you'd be in tears."

"I loved you like there was no tomorrow..and then one day, there wasn't"

"I may have only carried you for a short moment, but you will always live in my heart."

I do believe that these angels were real.  I do believe that there was life, even though their hearts never took their first beats or they never took their first breaths, or that I even got to see them on an Ultrasound screen.  I believe that for whatever reason, they were not ready for this life and I hope that someday I will be able to meet them.

I don't know how I am going to get through this.  I hope that some day I will be venturing outside from my drapes drawn room.  I haven't hardly crawled out of bed in the last few days.  I hope that I can be the mother to my daughter that she desperately needs.  I don't want her to feel abandoned.  I hope to be the wife to my husband that he deserves.  Part of me just feels like I need time and I will get through this, but how long can I reasonably feel sorry for myself with those around me just waiting for me to come to life?  It doesn't seem fair to them.  But this whole thing does not feel fair to me!  I guess it is not about what is fair or unfair, it is about me cherishing what I do have in my life.  Yes, I have been through a tremendous loss.  I have been through hell and back over the past two years.  I can either continue down this path of sadness and grief or I can pick myself up and live my life.  I feel like I am missing it because I am so engulfed in this hardship.  I will try to take it one day at a time and see how things go.  Hopefully brighter days are on the horizon.

Bad News and More Bad News

It just seems to be the story of my life, a constant roller coaster.  Just when I get the news that I have been waiting for 2 years, it is taken away in an instant.  I had my 2nd beta draw yesterday and I was shocked to hear that it was 34.8.  I guess it was originally 34.4.  The numbers suggested that I have an abnormal pregnancy.

There is nothing I can do about it.  Nothing will change it.  Now I just have to wait.

At this point I don't know if I will miscarry or if I have an ectopic pregnancy.  I have to have another blood draw on Friday to see which scenario I am going to fall under.  I had to stop taking my medication last night and that was really hard.  I still seem to think that this may turn around and things will be fine.  I know deep down that is not true, but I can't help but be delusional.  Until I start bleeding and see that the baby is gone, I won't truly believe it.

I am so angry right now.  Angry that I let myself be hopeful, again.  Angry that I told so many people, again.  Angry that I got excited only to be crushed days later.  Why did I even take that pregnancy test?  Why did I even assume that things were going to finally work out for me?  I just wish that I could change so much about this, but one thing I won't change is that feeling I had when I saw that positive for the first time.  I was in disbelief, but I knew I wasn't hallucinating.  I just started sobbing.  I couldn't believe it!  I was FINALLY pregnant.  I was finally blessed.  That is what makes this so hard.  Why even go through that?  Why have that experience to have it ripped right out of my soul a week later.  For a week I was happy, I was sick and my boobs hurt.  I was pregnant.  I felt it.  I knew it to be true.  So WHY?!?!?!  I will never understand and I will never get over this.  The most horrible part is that nothing is happening.  I haven't started bleeding so I don't feel like it is over yet.  I just want it to be over.  I just want to start again, or do I?  I don't know at this point.  I am scared because I know we only have 2 chances left.  What  then if it doesn't work?

I didn't think I would ever get to write this post...

I have been contemplating whether or not I write this post or not.  I have been trying to keep myself more on the positive side of things and sometimes writing about my struggles brings me down.  I really think I need to type out my feelings though, hopefully it will be therapeutic.  You all will just have to bear with me through it!  Let's start from the beginning!

March 12, 2014
We received the confirmation from my clinic that we could do our Frozen Embryo Transfer in April.  We were so ecstatic.  We started the birth control and waited out the very long process of preparing for the transfer expected to be performed April 22.

April 4, 2014
I started my period and hopefully it will be the last one for a while!

Weeks up to the transfer
I started taking my estradiol 3 mg twice a day and went in for my Ultrasound checks.  Everything looked great!  My lining was looking awesome and we had no reason to reschedule the transfer.  I started the progesterone (Crinone) and it was go time on the 22nd!

April 22, 2014
We went in at 10:00 for our transfer.  I was pretty anxious so the doctor gave me a valium to calm my nerves.  I felt amazing after that.  I couldn't have cared less what happened that day!  Haha.  They thawed two of our frozen embryos and both survived!  One embryo was collapsed and they performed the assisted hatching.  The other embryo looked great and they didn't need to do the assisted hatching on it.  We were able to see them suck the embryos up in the catheter and watched the physician put them in me on the Ultrasound.  It was a pretty cool experience.  I expected it to be painful, but it was perfect.  Everything went according to plan.  I went home and slept for the rest of the day.  The physician didn't say that it was necessary, but I opted to stay on bedrest for the first few days.  I just wanted to make sure I did everything that I could to make those babies stick!

The first few days I experienced a lot of cramping but nothing else.  The cramping made me nervous, but I was just hoping that it meant everything was working in there.  After a few days the cramping was less frequent and I started to relax a little.

April 26, 2014
I started having extreme back pain on the 26th.  I didn't think much of it since I have had two back surgeries, but it alarmed me.  I was hopeful that it meant something was going on inside me.  Either that or it could have been from the constant sitting/laying down for the previous days.

April 28, 2014
I started feeling really nauseated on the 28th.  I thought the nausea was from taking my medication without having breakfast and didn't think too much of it.  The only problem was that it lasted all day and didn't go away even after I had eaten.

April 29th, 2014
Easily one of the best days of my life.  I was still really nauseated on the 29th.  My nerves were getting the best of me and I just had to know if the transfer worked.  I couldn't wait another second to find out if I was pregnant or not.  I did a little bit of internet research and found that many people were able to get a positive test result as soon as 5 days after their transfer.  I was on day 7 so I ended up buying a hpt in the middle of the day and going home and testing.  To my astonishment it was POSITIVE!!!!  I started sobbing and hyperventilating.  I can't believe it worked!!!  I have been waiting for that stick to turn positive for 2 years!  I was so overcome with a peaceful feeling.  I just felt the spirit so much at that moment.  I can't explain it, but I just felt like I was given a hug and told, "I haven't forgotten you."  It was probably one of the most spiritual experiences I have ever had.  I have felt abandoned and forgotten for so long.  It was such a peaceful feeling to know that was not the case at all.  I immediately called my husband and told him the good news.  He was thrilled as well and we both felt like it was a dream.

The rest of the week
Of course I was on cloud nine all week.  I don't think I could have been any happier.  I was still nauseous, which was great.  I started hurting more in my joints and my boobs exploded over night.  They are HUGE.  Probably the best side effect of pregnancy :)  I started getting really fatigued but I was finding it really hard to sleep at night.  It has been a hard week.  I don't know if I have just been too excited to sleep or what, but it has been pretty frustrating not to be able to get any sleep when I am so tired.

May 3, 2014
This brings us to today.  It is amazing how so much joy and happiness can be swept away in an instant.  I went in for my official pregnancy test this morning.  I wasn't worried, but I just wanted to know what my levels were.  I felt that they would be pretty high since I found out so early and my symptoms have been so strong.  I received the call from the nurse and my heart just dropped.  She called me and said that my hcg level was 35.  Not "congratulations you are pregnant", just that "your levels are only 35".  ONLY 35?  What does that mean?  "Well we like to see them at least 100 by now".  By now?  Is something wrong?  "Well when the numbers are low, we often see ectopic pregnancies or miscarriages.  You should be cautiously optimistic".  My heart is sinking.  I immediately fall apart.  All of my happiness was taken away at that very moment.  So now what do I do?  Just pray that things progress or prepare myself for the inevitable?  I guess I have to do both.  At least I had a few days of bliss.  I will never forget that feeling.  I just hope that things work out.  If anyone out there is reading this, please pray for me, hope for me, whatever you can do.  I want to think I am strong enough to handle yet another roadblock with this journey, but I honestly don't think I am.  I will find out on Tuesday the 6th if things are looking positive or not.  They want my levels to double by then.  I don't understand why the levels are so low in the first place.  Are all of these symptoms in my head?  I felt pregnant.  I guess technically I still am, but for how long?  I just want to have my miracle.  I want to get through this.  Tuesday can't come soon enough.

The Storm has Passed

Whew.  I am finally starting to feel back to normal!  It feels great to be getting back to normal life.  I am trying really hard to be positive and focus on getting myself healthy.  I was pretty devastated after things didn't work out, but I need to focus on the facts.  We still have five wonderful little embryos that survived.  There is still a chance and not all hope is lost.  I know that the timing is not exactly what I planned, but I was so sick after the retrieval and I was in so much pain.  In a way, it is really a good thing that things were delayed.  My body will have a chance to heal and hopefully the transfer will have a higher chance of success.  I am still hurting here and there.  I haven't done anything the past two days because I am still cramping pretty bad.  I feel like I have a bladder infection even though I don't.  Things must still be pretty cramped inside.  The good thing about staying in for two days is that I am almost caught up with the Olympics.  It's a good thing there is a lot going on to keep me occupied.  Distractions are just what I need right now.

I am done

I went to the doctor today for my final check.  Diagnosed.  Diagnosed with Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome.  They won't be able to do the transfer.  We only have 4 embryos left.  Only one is good.  We will freeze them until we will be able to use them later.  We won't be able to try again for at least 2 months.  I am heartbroken.  Embryos only have a 70 % chance of survival after being frozen.  That means we are running out of chances.  I am devastated.

I'm emotionally ruined, but I am physically weak and suffering.  I am so nauseated and dizzy from the OHS. I have thrown up twice today from the nausea.  My stomach is still very tender, but the swelling is starting to decrease.  I don't know how I am going to move on from this.  I don't know how to live my life after going through this.  I don't know how to pick up the pieces and cling to hope that everything will work out.  I don't know how to be a good mother to my child because all I can think about is what i have been through and what I have lost.  I don't know how to be a good wife and look my husband in the eye and smile again.  I don't know when or if happiness will ever return to my soul.  I just want to run away and be alone.  I don't want to bring others down with me.  I don't want to talk about it.  I don't want to face anyone's questions.  But at the same time, why isn't anyone checking on me to see if I am ok?  I don't want them to come, but I feel even more alone without anyone calling.

I hope this pain is temporary.  This pain surpasses anything I have ever felt.  I knew I would be disappointed, but I never dreamed I could feel this much pain.  All I wanted was to be a mother to another child.  I don't understand why that is being withheld from me.  I know that we still have another chance to finish the IVF process, but I don't know if I want to.  I don't know if I can bear going through this pain again.  I don't know if I even want to try.  I am weak.  I am broken.  I give up.

Why can't this just be over?

Since the egg retrieval I have been in an incredible amount of pain.  I really started to feel like something was wrong last night.  My stomach was distended and I had a low fever.  I decided that I should go in to see the doctor in the morning.  I went to my doctor's office and told them my concerns.  After consulting with the doctor, they were able to fit me in on the schedule.

It turns out I have Moderate Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome.  I sort of already knew this, but when the doctor did my ultrasound, he found a lot of free fluid in my abdomen.  With the fluid, they will not permit a transfer to happen.  I was doing everything to keep it together in the office.  It's not the end of the world, I will eventually be able to transfer the embryos, it just will be several months before we can try.  I have to go back in on Sunday to see if the fluid has gotten worse.  If it does, they will have to drain the fluid.  I guess it takes 3-4 drains before things can go back to normal.  I am utterly devastated.  I am broken.  I am angry.  I hope that I can get through this, but right now I don't really even want to.  I just want to give up.  What's the point?  All of this to bring another child into this world so that they could potentially go through the same thing that I am going through?  I don't understand the lesson or the purpose in this experience.  I have tried everything reasonably possible, and I still get the same result.  I'm not meant to have any more children, obviously.

Today is a sad day, so please don't judge me for it.

Retrieval

Yesterday we had our egg retrieval.  I was pretty nervous but everything went great!  The doctor was able to get 25 eggs!!  We were ecstatic.  25 is my lucky number afterall.  I was #25 on all of my sports teams and my daughter was born on the 25th of April.  What a perfect number!  I went home feeling pretty good and slept most of the day.  The times that I was awake were super painful.  Here are the things that no one warned me about:
1.  Getting 25 eggs removed pretty much feels like you were stabbed over and over 25 times.  My insides are so sore and the slightest movement sends stabbing pain throughout.
2.  Going to the bathroom is dreaded.  As I mentioned before, everything hurts and going pee is no exception.  I finally sort of went #2 today and it felt like my insides were ripping.  I think I'd rather stay constipated.
3.  I look pregnant.  My guts are so swollen that it looks like I am already a couple of months along.  If all this works out, I won't care much about this one.
4.  Along with the swelling comes extreme tenderness.  I found the loosest stretchiest clothes that I could today and it still felt like I was being squished.
5.  You can't take anything but Tylenol, which does nothing to dull the pain.

All of this was worth it though.  Out the 25 eggs, we have 13 good embryos!  22 of the eggs were actually mature, 14 fertilized, but 1 was abnormal.  I can't believe we had such a good outcome!  I am so excited to hear how they do the next few days.  We are scheduled to do our transfer on Friday and I get to start the lovely progesterone tomorrow.  Fingers crossed that my uterus behaves and allows us to do the transfer.  The doctor mentioned that I still had fluid in my uterus from the hyperstimulation so let's hope that resolves in the next day or two.  Happy thoughts!!!

Retrieval Tomorrow!

Friday, January 31st
The fluid went away!  It was completely gone!  It looks like we will be able to proceed with the transfer.  I couldn't be more thrilled and I was so grateful  to have a priesthood blessing the night before.  Miracles do happen every day.
4 Needle Pokes
Saturday, February 1st
Everything was looking good, but my estradiol levels were getting way too high.  My doctor changed my medication dose, but I still had 4 needle pokes. This was the first day that I really started to feel "done".  I was getting so frustrated with all the shots and the discomfort.  I was frustrated with the constant change in my medication dose.  I just wish we could have continuous good news rather than this roller coaster ride that we can't seem to get off of.
Sunday, February 2nd
Sunday turned into another frustrating day.  My ultrasound did not go as well as I had hoped.  Since my meds were dramatically reduced, the follicles stopped growing.  I only had 2 follicles that were decent size.  They typically like to see at least 3.  I was super bummed.  The nurse talked to me for a while about my situation.  Apparently the high level of estradiol and the high follicle counts were both signs of ovarian hyperstimulation.  That is why my doctor reduced my stimulant dose so much.  They really wanted to do one more day of stimulation, but because of my risk for overstimulation, they decided that I should trigger at 10:00 Sunday night.  I am just having faith that Heavenly Father and the doctors will take care of me.  I know that I am working with highly skilled individuals.  I know that they will make the right decisions for me.  I just also pray that I am being watched over, that everything will go as well as it possibly can.  I have been through so much and I just pray that the Lord will bless me.  PS only 2 needle sticks today!  Wahoo!
Monday, February 3rd
Well here we are, caught up to today!  I triggered last night so that we would be able to do our retrieval tomorrow.  I am so nervous, but so excited!  I know everything will work out and we are so close to being finished!  I can't wait.  One thing that happened today is that I got my first positive pregnancy test in 2 years!  It is kind of cruel.  The doctor wanted to ensure that the HCG trigger shot was in my bloodstream so they asked me to take a pregnancy test around noon.  It was bittersweet to see that positive result.  It was good to know that the drug was working, but heartbreaking to know that it wasn't really what the test indicates.  Hopefully I will get to see that positive again soon!  I was trying to find a box with only one pregnancy test. Who knew that such a thing didn't exist?!?  I guess they know most of us women are serial testers. Don't get me wrong, I am totally guilty of test, test, test, but  I didn't want to have an extra test laying around tempting me once we go through with the transfer.  They say that you almost never get a positive urine pregnancy test with IVF initially.  I am just hoping I can hold out until the 2 week blood test.  I don't want to disappoint myself before we actually know for sure.

Well I don't know if anyone even reads this, but if anyone out there is, please pray for us.  Please pray for us that everything will go well, and if it doesn't, please pray that I will get through it.  I need all the extra prayers I can get.

Let the journey begin!

I have been terrible about posting!  I should have been posting every day for the past week, but life has been way too crazy.  I guess I will just shove it into one post!  We finally started our In Vitro cycle last Friday!  I will fill in all the details, but I have to go back a couple of weeks to start the story.  I finally started my period in January and I was excited for the first time.  I was excited because I knew that after months, I mean YEARS of waiting, we could finally start the process to getting our little baby.  I called the doctors office immediately and they started the horrendous process of getting the cycle pre authorized.  I won't go into much detail other than to say, IT SUCKED! The insurance did not want to cover the procedure because they said that we had not completed enough "non-invasive" treatments.  I just would like to rant a little.  How is trying for 2 years, completing 6 cycles of clomid, 1 cycle of injectables with trigger shots, and 2 cycles with artificial insemination not enough?  I mean what else do we have to do to prove we are infertile?!?  I just hate insurance companies.  At the same time though, I am so grateful.  After much effort and stress, we were finally able to get the cycle authorized.  Did I mention that was 2 days bfefore I was supposed to start stimulation medication?  Haha!  It was just the craziest timing but amazing how it fell into place.

Once we got the cycle approved, we were able to order my medications.  My meds came out to be 3,700 dollars.  Holy smokes!  I nearly choked on my tongue when they told me what my grand total was.  The meds came the next day and this is what 3700 bucks gets you!

I have to admit, I was really excited to get started!  Here is the recap of everything that has happened so far:

Friday, January 24th

This was my initial Ultrasound and blood draw to see how things were baseline.  I was pretty nervous to go in, but excited at the same time.  As I went in for the US, the nurse told me to take out my tampon if I was on my period.  I was confused by this because I hadn't stopped my period that long ago.  I had been on birth control for a couple of weeks, but I just stopped it a few days earlier. Low and behold, I started my period at that exact moment.  It was a little strange that she knew that was going to happen.  I had my first of many ultrasounds and the NP, Angie, said that everything looked great.  Apparently I had about 20 follicles on each ovary and I was expected to do well with the medication.  I was ecstatic.  I was on cloud nine.  After the ultrasound I met with Angie and she talked to me about how to do my medications.  Unfortunately with my medications I was going to have to do 2 shots a night.  I was dreading this, but in a way, excited.  Angie told me to take 50 ml of a low dose HCG medication and 300 ui of Follistim.

That night I got all my medications laid out and started to ice my stomach.  I was really nervous for the injections, but I knew it would all be worth it.  My sweet husband did the shots for me and he did great!

The follistim pen was so weird!  It allows you to set the dose and then you have to click it to get all the dose delivered.  I did not like that clicking noise.  Surprisingly, the shots were not bad at all.  Icing totally helps!  I only had a little bit of burning with the low dose HCG.  So just to recap, I had 3 needle pokes this day :)

Saturday, January 25th - Sunday, January 26th

The shots went well!

4 more needle pokes

Monday, January 27th

I had my first blood draw 

After receiving the blood draw results, the doctor decided to reduce my follistim dose to 225 iu.  Apparently my ovaries were trying to be over achievers.  

3 Needle Pokes

Tuesday, January 28th

By Tuesday I was having a little bit of a melt down.  The meds had finally kicked in full force.  I was emotional and I was really worried that the cycle wasn't going to work.  I ended up asking my neighbor for a blessing since my husband was out of town.  The blessing really helped me calm down and I was able to start thinking those positive thoughts again.

2 Needle Pokes

Wednesday, January 29th

Second Bloodraw and Ultrasound

The Ultrasound looked good but I had a lot of eggs growing.  My doctor has been out due to a leg infection.  The doctor who was filling in was concerned that I was hyper-stimulating.  He said that I had too many eggs developing.  He said that he only likes to have 10 eggs at retrieval.  I was a little upset by this since I was told I had 20 on each ovary when we started.  I would rather have 20 eggs at retrieval to increase our chances for trying again later.  I guess it only takes one egg, but I was annoyed by his reservations.  The blood results were not good as well.  I was still too high in my levels so the doctor lowered my dose to 188 iu of follistim.  They also added Centrotide to prevent the eggs from releasing.

Still counting?  That was 4 Needle Pokes for that day!  Getting bruised!

Thursday, January 30th

Well this brings us to today.  Today was by far the worst day of the entire process.  I went in for another Ultrasound and Blood Draw.  The physician noted that I had fluid in my uterus.  Apparently, this is very bad news.  IVF is almost never successful when there is fluid in the uterus.  The worst part, was when the doctor told me that we would have to wait 2 months to try again.  I was devastated.  I was frustrated because the fluid was not there yesterday.  I am convinced it is because they have messed with my drugs so much.  The most frustrating part was that the doctor couldn't really tell me what caused it or what the next steps would be.  He basically said that we would just have to wait and see.  Wait and see?!  Does he not realize what we have invested to do this?  I just would like more answers.  The day was devastating.  I pretty much cried all day.  I was a mess.  After all of this, now we won't be able to transfer?  I don't understand why we have such bad luck!  After a few hours the nurse called me back and explained what was going on.  It didn't make me feel a whole lot better, but at least it gave me some understanding of what was going on.  She also told me to increase my follistim back to 300 iu!  Urgh, make up your minds already!!  

After work I felt impressed to call my brother and ask him to give me a blessing.  Since it would be a healing blessing, he asked me to have another priesthood holder present.  I was going to have my neighbor do the blessing again, but I called my husband.  Much to my surprise, he offered to do it.  This was such a big step, as he has never done one before.  I felt the spirit so much when I received the blessing.  I just felt a sense of calm.  I felt like everything was going to be ok and that no matter what happens, this trial is coming to an end.  I am so grateful for the priesthood and the blessings that it brings.  It is amazing that I can have one of the worst days of my life and then I feel at peace just by hearing the words of the spirit.  I'm grateful to have my husband support me during this time and I am so grateful for good family and friends.  I know that I am going to get through this.  No matter what happens with this cycle, I will be able to carry on.  I'm just hoping for good news tomorrow!  

Since we are keeping track, 4 Needle Pokes today too!  That is a total of 16 Pokes in the last week!  I'm starting to feel like a pin cushion.

Getting Closer

I am on my last cycle before I start IVF.  I think it would be wonderful if I magically got pregnant this month, but I know this will most likely not be the case.  One more time to ovulate, one more time to "try", one more time to wait, one more time to be disappointed in the end.  At least I hope, this is the last time for disappointment.

I've tried very hard not to put a lot of thought into preparing for this very big step, but tonight I started the research.  Unfortunately, the anxiety started with it.  I am glad that I researched the details of the procedure, but I am extremely nervous now.  It just seems like a lot to go through, to not have it work.  I'm especially worried about the possibility of having the Hypo Ovary Stimulation Syndrome occurring.  I'm not sure if it is from my endometreosis or what, but every time that I have taken fertility medication I have the worst ovarian pain ever!  I suffer for a good week after I start my period.  I'm really worried that it will be even worse once I start the heavy duty meds for IVF.  I hope that I don't have any problems with the meds and that everything goes smoothly.  Oh I hope.

I am extremely nervous, but I am extremely hopeful.  This is it.  This is our last chance.  I must keep myself focused and not let the emotion of it take over.  After all, if it doesn't work, at least I will have my closure.  There is nothing that I can do to change the outcome.  All I can do is follow the physician's instruction and hope for the best.

Big Step

Well months have passed since I started the alternative medicine.  Unfortunately for me, I have not responded to that treatment either.  I'm starting to wonder if my uterus really is broken!  We finally made the decision that we are going to proceed with In Vitro.  This is such a HUGE step.  To be honest, I don't know if I am ready for it or if it is really the right thing to do.  I just feel like we have tried everything out there.  To me, this is our last hope.

We had our initial consultation last week and we talked a lot about all of the testing that is required prior to starting the process.  We discussed a lot of the billing and insurance issues and let me tell you, I don't ever want to have to go through something like this again.  I feel so blessed that we will actually have some coverage with insurance, but trying to figure out what plan to select and what provider has been a real nightmare.  I have talked with so many people about deductibles, coverage etc. I just want to puke!  If I don't get pregnant out of this, I am sure it will be due to the stress of trying to get everything paid for.  The positive thing that I need to keep in mind is that even without insurance, we have the money.  We have been saving for months so I just need to realize that everything will be taken care of one way or another.  I need to de-stress.

I have decided that I am not going to publicly tell people that we are going through this process.  I really just don't want people to be asking me questions throughout the entire process.  I just want to get through it, get pregnant, and then I will gladly tell everyone what they need to know.  I just hope that I can keep my sanity through this all!

Here's to lots of needles in the future and hopefully, lots of babies!

Alternative Medicine-July 19th, 2013

I forgot to post this from July.  So I'm sorry it is out of order.

After this month's disappointment, my husband and I started talking more about IVF and how we were going to pay for it.  I just can't believe how outrageously expensive it is!  There are several different options, but if you want to have a "money back guarantee", you will pay for it!  It's not that I have a hard time justifying the cost because I know the cause is totally worth it.  I just have a hard time justifying it when I have had 3 doctors really give me no reason that I need IVF.  I have a hard time justifying it when I had my daughter with no trouble whatsoever.  I just play the scenario of what if we do the IVF and it doesn't work?  Then what?  I just don't think I am ready to accept that there are no more children in our future.  I also can't help but think, what if we aren't being patient enough?  What if we would have waited just one more month and we wouldn't have needed to go into unnecessary debt.  All these doubts tell me that I am not ready to go down that road yet.  I am looking into other options and keeping IVF as a last possible solution.

One of my good friends had been going through infertility for the past 2 plus years.  Poor thing has had a couple of miscarriages and has just had a really hard time. Well just a few days ago she randomly messages me.  I haven't heard from her in months so it was really interesting timing as I had just started my period the day before.  I know what you are thinking, but I really was happy for her!  It gave me hope knowing what she had been through and she still managed to get pregnant.  Well she tells me that she went to this new doctor and he gave her some drops to put under her tongue.  She says that after the first month of taking the drops, BAM she's pregnant.  This sounds almost too good to be true.  Turns out she is 12 weeks along and doing great.  What the heck was in those drops?!

I decided to go and see the guy that she was seeing and was set up with the drops as well.  Here's to hoping that they work!

The Results are in

I decided to have a blood test yesterday and sadly, but not surprisingly, it was negative.  Now if I would just start my period so I can get on with my life.

It has been a while

I haven't posted in a while as I have been trying very hard to keep distracted from the baby makin' business.  Nothing new to report, other than I am late.  Really late.  11 days late to be exact.  Not that it means anything though.  I have taken who knows how many pregnancy tests, every single one negative.  I still have just a sliver of hope that maybe, just maybe a little baby is growing inside of me right now.  We'll see, and if not, there's always next month right?

Another thing that is weird this month is that my hair is falling out.  Not just a hair here and there, like REALLY falling out.  It is so bizarre.  It reminds me of after I had my daughter when I had the postpartum hair dump.  I would shower and pull clumps of hair out.  This actually has been a bit worse than that.  I called Mr. Dependable Homeopathic Doctor Guy and of course he has no idea why my hair is falling out.  Thanks buddy for recommending drops to take that apparently make my hair fall out, and you have no idea why it is happening.  Once I start my period, I am going to go to my OB and have him check all my hormones just to make sure that these drops haven't completely screwed me up.  Although, if I am pregnant, I take back everything I just said.  I don't care if all of my hair falls out if it means I am pregnant.  I can rock the bald and the belly :)

I am doing better.  People aren't quite pissing me as much as they used to.  I guess I am just more in the acceptance phase of all of this.  Don't get me wrong, people are still getting pregnant every month and I am not, but I am just so used to it now.  I just figure that at least one person will tell me a month.  Lucky for me, someone already told me this month so hopefully that is out of the way for the remaining 13 days.

Once I start my period I am going to go back to the fertility specialist that I saw originally.  We have decided that we are going to do IVF in January.  My husband's work actually has infertility benefits, but they don't start until January.  I am hoping that I can go to the doctor, explain the situation, and start the process in November so that we will be ready to get pregnant in January.  I know that I need to be on birth control for at least a month so I figure I could start that anytime.  It seems so weird to take birth control now.  It's so comical and ironic that I took so many different types of BC for so long because I was worried that we might have our second baby "too soon".  If I only knew!

Well I will update as soon as I have "news".  I'm not expecting anything, but if anyone is reading this, I would really appreciate the prayers right now.  I would love for this torturous journey to be over.

By the way, I had my stomach scoped and they found out that I have a hernia and some excessive bile production going on due to the fact that I don't have a gallbladder.  I am on medication, and yes, I have to take it for the rest of my life.  Super Duper fun for me.  If I ever do get pregnant, I just wonder how this poor baby is going to turn out with all the meds I am on.

A month has passed

I think it is kind of funny that another month has already passed and it's the same story just a different day.  I have been doing really good staying preoccupied with other things in my life.  I have been working really hard on the working out/living a healthier lifestyle.  It has been great and I am really starting to see some improvement (That is until I send the hubby out on an ice cream run tonight).  I will just keep working at it and hopefully I will get back some of the confidence that I have been lacking.

One thing that is I guess newly developed is a stomach condition that I have been dealing with.  I either randomly developed chronic reflux overnight or I have worried myself into an ulcer.  The doctor is not really sure what is wrong with me (must be my thing or something.  I am a medical mystery in Oh so many ways!), but all I know is having heartburn for 8 straight weeks SUCKS.  Now if the heartburn was brought on by pregnancy, then by all means, burn away.  To go through this with no motive or happy ending makes no sense to me.  So what, I have to take medication for the rest of my life?  Why would I suddenly develop this condition when I've never had issues with it before?  It has to do something with my "not caring" motion right?  I mean I started "not caring" 2 months ago.  Seems like a weird coincidence that is when my symptoms started.  Even though I am telling myself that I just don't care, my mind obviously knows myself better and it is "secretly" worrying and giving me ulcers!  Either way, this has to go away.  I don't think I can deal with this for the rest of my life.  I am supposed to have my stomach scoped next Monday, so hopefully they will have some answers.  Maybe while they are at it they will find out why in the hell I can't get pregnant!  Wishful thinking.

It's all good, until it's not

Well month one of "not caring" seemed to go pretty well, until yesterday that is.  That's right, I received my notification that I am no closer to having another child than I was 15 months ago.  I don't know why but I seem to be bitchier than usual about it too.  I must have thought deep down that since I didn't "care" anymore, BAM I would be pregnant.  Apparently life doesn't work that way.

I just feel like I am stuck at this cross roads.  I feel like I have two choices, I can:
A). Be happy with my single child and let go of this hope of having another.  I love my daughter, she is my world.  Shouldn't that be enough?
or
B). Pursue the not so wonderful world of IVF and take the chance that I may be able to have another child.

I honestly do not know what to do.  If we do pursue IVF, we won't be able to even start the process until November.  November isn't that far considering we have waited this long, but I am dreading the thought of going through 5 more months of disappointment.  I don't know if I can take it anymore and I don't know if my family can take it anymore.  Every month I am so snappy and terrible to them.  It's not their fault, but they are the ones that are punished.

If I decide to follow A's choice, how do I honestly let go of something that I want so terribly?  It doesn't help that I am surrounded by fertile young families and that I am constantly getting mail or email for things for the baby that I do not have.  Every day I see multiple pregnant women, new born babies or families in general.  I will never get away from that so how do I change my perspective?  I'm starting to think that it is time I seek out some professional help.  Even when I feel like I am doing ok I still have horrible resentment to other people that are experiencing the one thing I want most.  That can't be normal.  I can't go on living my life hating every pregnant woman that I see.  My family is all still really young and I am sure there are many more nieces and nephews on the way.  The last thing I want to do is resent one of my family members for getting pregnant.  The doctor that I saw last week mentioned that they have a psychologist in the office for this kind of thing.  It just may be time for that.

Wow this post is a real downer.  Sorry about that.  As I said in the beginning, this is my way to get it all out.  Well it is definitely out there now and hopefully I can find some peace today.  Thanks for listening.

There it is...

So after last month's disappointment, I decided to have a new focus.  I was going to get skinny and fit and forget about all of this infertility crap.  It has been working like a charm.  I have been so much happier and non obsessive about every little thing my body does.  I have felt renewed and excited about my new adventure of getting in shape.

Today I was faced with hanging out with 2 pregnant women in the same room.  I should have known that it was going to be a bad idea but I really thought I had moved on.  A little bit of background, both of these women are pregnant with their 4th child.  One of the women will have 4 children ages 2 and under.  That's right 2 and under.  She even said, "my husband and I can't even wash our underwear together or we get pregnant!"  I wish that it was that easy for me.  I feel bad because even though they have done nothing wrong, I can't help but feel resentful.  It's not fair to feel this way, but the pain and longing for a child takes over all logic.  It just really brought back a lot of heart ache that I have been missing for the past couple of weeks.  I guess I am not completely healed and it will take a long time to start feeling better about my situation.  I haven't given up all hope.  I have another doctor appointment with a Dr that is supposed to be a specialist in endometreosis.  I am hoping that he will have some answers for me, but if not, it's back to the workout/eat healthy focus until I can find something else to keep my mind occupied.

14 Months of Negatives

Today marked my 14th Negative pregnancy test.  I didn't even want to take it this morning because I knew that it was going to be negative.  There are so many thoughts running through my head right now and I just wonder if I will ever go "back to normal".  I miss the old me.  I was ambitious about life, I loved my family and my job.  Now I feel like there is a black hole in our family and it is constantly sucking the life out of me.  I hate my job and I am so disconnected from everyone and everything that I wonder if people still care about me or even want to be around me.  I don't know that I would want to be around someone that was constantly down and depressed.

I did a little bit of research and I am so confused.  I have endometriosis and I have had two surgeries in the past 5 years to treat it.  After reading an article online, I was under the impression that surgery should NOT be performed unless the woman is past having her family.  I am TICKED.  Why in the world would the doctor recommend surgery if it was going to potentially sterilize me?!  I specifically remember asking about this too and he told me that it would only increase my chances of getting pregnant and I shouldn't worry.  Who knows that may not be the reason for my infertility, but it sure helps to blame someone right now.  The second moron doctor that I would like to blame is the one that has been pumping me full of estrogen and doing pointless IUIs on me.  I wish I had done more research on the subject, but I trusted my doctor that he knew my entire history and would do what was best for me.  Estrogen feeds the endometriosis and only makes it worse.  So 5 months of feeding the endo probably has done wonders for my fertility.  Secondly, IUIs have a very low success rate for women with endo.  This would have been nice to know and would have saved me 2000 dollars.  I can't believe how much time and money I have wasted.

It is looking more and more like we will be heading down the In Vitro road.  I would like to do a little bit more research, but we will need to start saving our pennies.  I am thinking about selling my car.  I love my car, but we won't be able to afford it after the 20K+ price tag we will be facing with IVF.  How in the world do people pay for this?  I just wish there were other options.